Tag Archives: accountability

Step Six

June 22, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, church, confession, connection, counseling, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, restoration, self care, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Stacey Oliver, Step Six, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Step Six

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

One of my favorite phrases in the Big Book of A.A. comes after the description of Step 5. The passage says “Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last.” To me this means that the hard work we have done so far has laid the foundation for fundamental changes in our lives. We are moving from a constant battle against addiction (“white-knuckling”, if you will) to life of serenity and gratitude. We are getting to the roots of our addiction, not just the behaviors, but the underlying flaws in our character that have manifested themselves in our acting out. This milestone is where a spiritual awakening really begins to happen for many of us.

Willingness to be rid of our character defects is crucial. If we are not willing to change, we are just giving lip-service to this step. The Big Book even suggests that we ask God for willingness: “If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.” Hopefully, the work we’ve done in the first 5 steps will open our eyes enough to see where these defects of character have gotten us, but if we want to hang on to some, ask for willingness.

The action part of this step is to make a list of our character defects. It is sometimes helpful to go back and re-read our Step 1 and Step 4 writings and think about them through the lens of character defects. We look at our moral inventory for things like selfishness, manipulation, codependency, or a poor self-image. When making this list, try not to confuse deep human needs with character defects. For example, we all have the need for connection with others. That is not a defect of character. But manipulating people as part of those connections may be a flaw in our character. A therapist or a sponsor who knows our story can be really helpful in identifying defects that we may not see in ourselves. Intensive therapy sessions, such as the Roots Retreat offered by Awaken, can be helpful in this area as well.

One thing that I have found with my character defects is that they require daily surrender. One of my most memorable recovery meetings was a discussion of Step 6 and a brother in the program said “Sometimes, God will take away one of my character defects, and the next day, I take it right back!” That really stuck with me as a reminder that these flaws in my character do come back from time-to-time and that I need to surrender them each time they come up. Like many of the steps, being willing for God to remove character defects is not a one-time event – it is something we practice every day.

Another thing that I have found is that as I work on my character defects, it is a lot like peeling back an onion. There are layers to my character defects that I didn’t see when I made my initial list. And I’m quite sure that there are layers that I don’t see now that I will need to address as I continue to peel back the layers. All of this talk about onions and layers reminds me of my favorite scene from the movie “Shrek.” I’ll leave you with these words of wisdom from an ogre and a talking donkey:

Shrek: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.

Donkey: Example?

Shrek: Example? Okay, er… ogres… are… like onions.

Donkey: [sniffs onion] They stink?

Shrek: Yes…NO!

Donkey: Or they make you cry.

Shrek: No!

Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they get all brown and start sproutin’ little white hairs.

Shrek: NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers… you get it. We both have layers.

Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKE! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!

Shrek: [restraining temper] I don’t care… what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes!

May you begin to peel back the layers on your character defects today!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Step 5

May 26, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, counseling, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, love, pornography, recovery, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Step 5

In my last blog post, we discussed the topic of honesty and how it helps us to become sober (and also how sobriety helps us with our honesty!). And while honesty is part of all 12 steps, the fifth step is all about honesty. When we admit the exact nature of our wrongs to God, to ourselves, and especially to another human being, our honesty is put to the test. The Big Book also references two other traits that are required when we work Step 5: humility and fearlessness. Let’s take a closer look at these.

Through the course of our lives, many of us have developed a pride that has us convinced that we don’t need anyone’s help for anything. But when we walk into our first recovery meeting, that pride begins to crumble. When we ask someone to sponsor us as we work the steps, we are reaching out for help. When we admit that we are powerless over our addictive behavior and acknowledge that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity, we start to learn humility. And this humility matures when we tell another person our whole story in Step 5.

Opening ourselves up to another person and telling our story requires fearlessness as well. Many of us have lived in fear of what others would think of us if they found out what we were really like. We had lived in fear of the consequences of getting caught. And these are valid fears. Our actions do have consequences and other people’s opinions of us could very likely change. And for many of us, these things have already happened, which is why we started coming to meetings in the first place. But even if we haven’t been caught, we still must be fearless and take this step.

So, who is the other human being that I am going to share this with? How do I pick this person? The Big Book uses the phrase “…someone who will understand, yet be unaffected.” Don’t confuse this step with a disclosure to a spouse or a loved one. A disclosure can be an important part of healing a relationship, but that is not the same as working Step 5. The whole “yet be unaffected” part of that statement tells us that our Step 5 should be shared with someone whom we have not hurt. This person could be a sponsor or someone we respect in our recovery program. It could be a doctor or a therapist. It could be a priest or a pastor. Personally, I recommend sharing this with your sponsor who has presumably already worked with you on Steps 1 through 4.

The Big Book uses one other phrase that I would like to highlight. When we take this step, we have already written our inventory and are “prepared for a long talk.” I recommend setting aside two hours or so. I also recommend finding a place that will be free from interruptions. This can be a difficult conversation and you don’t want to have to keep starting over, so plan the time and the place carefully.

I want to leave you with some words of hope from the Big Book – things that happen after we have worked this step. “Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.”

Whether you have worked Step 5 or are planning to work Step 5, may you find that delight and peace and ease!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Honesty

May 12, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, counseling, forgiveness, friendship, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, honesty, pornography, recovery, restoration, self care, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Honesty

I don’t know what the reverse of a “catch-22” is officially called, but when it comes to honesty and sobriety, their relationship is a “reverse catch-22”. Being honest helps me to stay sober, and staying sober helps me to be honest.

There’s a saying, “All addicts are liars,” and while this certainly holds some truth, the fact is many addicts are generally honest people except when it comes to their addiction.

Shame and fear can turn an honest man into a liar pretty quickly.

Rigorous honesty is a critical component of recovery. Working the 12 Steps helps us put this honesty into practice. We find a sponsor and are able to check in with them when we are in our middle circle. We make a “fearless and searching moral inventory” and then we share it with another person (Steps 4 and 5). We are honest about our character defects (Step 6) and we are honest about who we have hurt (Step 8). We look for dishonesty in ourselves with a daily inventory (Step 10).

With the help of a therapist, many of us disclose our behavior to our spouse or our family. We are honest about our family of origin as we dig into our own personal trauma. By doing these things with rigorous honesty, we learn to be honest about the things that we have hidden out of fear and shame for so long. And what is the result of working this program with rigorous honesty? Sobriety!

And when we begin to become sober from our addiction, the things that we used to feel compelled to lie about are no longer a part of our life. Honesty comes easier to us and we learn to be comfortable in our own skin around others.

See? It’s a reverse Catch-22! When we are honest, we become sober, and when we are sober, we are more honest. May you find yourself in this reverse Catch-22 today!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Identifying Our Triggers

May 7, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, counseling, forgiveness, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, pornography, recovery, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, support, triggers, Twelve StepsGreg

Identifying Our Triggers

One of the tasks that is generally a part of any recovery program is identifying people, institutions, and situations that often move us in the direction of acting out. As we recover and begin to recognize these triggers, we will be more equipped to prepare and respond to them without acting out. So, how do we identify triggers in our lives?

When describing Step 4 and Step 6, The Big Book of A.A. gives us some very useful suggestions that can help us identify triggers.

As part of our work in Step 4, we make a list of resentments and we make a list of fears. Resentments and fears seem to be universal triggers for all types of addiction. When we list these and talk through them with our sponsor, we begin to see some of our triggers more clearly.

Step 6 asks us to list our “defects of character” and become willing for God to remove them. As we write down our defects of character, we see things in ourselves that often lead to acting out. As we become more aware of resentments, fears, and defects of character, we can take action when they rear their ugly heads in our lives. Later in this post we’ll discuss some possible actions we can take.

Another very helpful tool that will help us identify our triggers is counseling. A professional counselor or therapist who specializes in working with addiction can be very good at listening to our stories and helping us see those things that have often led us to acting out. Awaken can refer you to many qualified therapists who can help with this (click for link). There are also intensive programs such as the Roots Retreat men’s and Roots Retreat women’s where a lot of work will be done to help identify triggers. I highly encourage anyone in recovery to get some sort of professional counseling.

Once we have identified our triggers, how do we deal with them without acting out? One terrific tool for helping with triggers is the Three Circles. This tool was developed by SAA and is outlined in their Green Book. The gist of the Three Circles is that we list our acting out behaviors in the inner circle of three concentric circles. In the middle circle, we list our triggers or any other behavior or situation that might move us toward acting out. In the outer circle, we list behaviors that help us in recovery – things we can do that uplift us physically, emotionally, or spiritually. To me, the middle circle is where our awareness should be when we are in recovery. When we find ourselves in a middle circle situation, that is the time to take action. We should call our sponsor, pray, or read some recovery literature (see the previous blog series on Daily CPR!). We can go to a meeting or find something in our outer circle to do. Taking positive action when we feel triggered is a critical part of recovery and something we must learn to do in order to stay healthy.

The Big Book also suggests in Step 10 that we take a daily inventory of ourselves. We are told to continually watch for “selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these come up, we ask God to at once remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.” That’s pretty clear, isn’t it? When we see our triggers come up, pray about it, talk to someone about it, make amends, then look for someone to help.

If you haven’t yet done the work to identify your triggers, I encourage you to do so as quickly as you can. Once you have the list, also make a plan for what to do when they come up. I hope that you find the suggestions in this post to be helpful to you today.

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Step Four

April 20, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, forgiveness, God's love, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, restoration, self care, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Step Four, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Step Four

Step Four: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”

Steps 1 through 3 of the Twelve Steps are things that mostly happened in our heads and with our words. We “admitted we were powerless”, we “came to believe”, and we “made a decision”. These are critical tasks and it would be nearly impossible to recover from addiction without doing these on a daily basis. But there’s not a whole lot of action involved. Sure, we may have written out a first step or said the third step prayer, but to this point, we haven’t done much of anything. Step 4 is where that all changes. In fact, the beginning of this section of the Big Book says “next we launched out on a course of vigorous action…”. Now we’re talkin’!

What does a Step 4 look like?

I have seen two different forms for a Step 4. The first is a long document that follows the items outlined in the Big Book. The second is a worksheet; taking the same content and putting it in an easier-to-complete worksheet form. Either way is perfectly fine as long as it meets the criteria of “searching and fearless.” I believe this means we spend a lot of time thinking and writing. I believe it means we directly acknowledge the things that we have done and the motivations behind them. I believe it means we don’t sugarcoat our behavior. I believe it means we don’t intentionally leave anything out. Of course there will be things that are left out unintentionally, especially if we’ve been dealing with our addiction for many years. Even with a very deliberate and thorough process, very few of us can remember all of the details of our lives. The point is that we do our best, and if something comes to mind later that we missed earlier, we write it down.

What is in a Step 4?

At first glance, we might think that a Step 4 is simply all of the things that we did as part of our addiction. But there is a lot more to it than that. The Big Book talks about looking at our lives from several different angles and I believe these are critical to a complete inventory. I recommend to my sponsees and others in our fellowship to include the following sections in a written Step 4:

Resentments

Early in my recovery, I found talk of resentments surprising. I didn’t think my problem had anything to do with resentments – until I started writing them down. As I worked my 4th step I started to realize that I actually did harbor a lot of resentments. More often than not, they turned out to be the driving force behind my behavior. The Big Book says that “this business of resentment is infinitely grave…when harboring such feeling, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit…the insanity of [our addiction] returns…” After identifying these resentments in Step 4, the rest of the steps help us to learn how to watch out for resentments and to deal with them in healthier ways so that we can experience a life of serenity.

Behaviors

Just because we start our inventory with our resentments, this does not mean we blame others for our behavior. The Big Book goes on to say “putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened?” This is the part of our inventory where we list the things in our lives where we have hurt others with our selfishness and dishonesty. And this list should not be limited to just sexual acting out – most of us have hurt people in other ways as well. These items should also make the list. This is not a time to sugarcoat our actions either. We don’t need to qualify or put adjectives on the items on this list. In the words of Joe Friday, “Just the facts, ma’am!” Finally, because thinking through the ways we have hurt people can bring up many painful memories and emotions, it is important to remember that you are not the sum of your bad behavior. You have done a lot of good things in your life too. And these should go on the list as well. It is a complete inventory, after all.

Fears

I have heard it said that most of what we fear never comes to pass. Yet many of us spend a lot of time in worry and fear. While our resentments keep us tethered to the past, our fears tether us to uncertainty about the future. And serenity cannot be found in either the past or the future. Serenity is found by coming to terms with the present, in whatever form it takes. Listing our fears in Step 4 and learning to deal with them in the rest of the steps is a major component of having a successful recovery.

Final Thoughts on Step 4

It is often said that recovery is “simple, but not easy”. And while the outline above is fairly simple, there is nothing easy about it. Many people get hung up on Step 4 and never complete it because of the amount and the difficulty of the work involved. But if it is important to you to get healthy and the 12 Steps is the path you choose, it is worth the effort. Put lots of prayer and thought and effort into the lists described above. Set aside some time each day to work on this until it is finished. This is the beginning of a “vigorous course of action” that will bring us the spiritual awakening described in the Step 9 promises. We will be closer to God than ever before, we will be able to look our fellow man in the eye, and we will have peace and serenity we never knew was possible.

May you find spiritual health, emotional health, and physical health today my friends!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Keeping Recovery Alive with “CPR,” part 3

April 8, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, self care, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Stacey Oliver, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Keeping Recovery Alive with “CPR,” part 3

In our last two posts we began looking at three important daily recovery disciplines that anyone in recovery can implement. The first post was on making CALLS. The second was on PRAYER. Today we’ll talk about the third part of CPR: READING.

Of the three daily disciplines that make up CPR, this is one that most of us really need some work on. Most recovering people don’t read a lot of recovery material, at least not after the initial “honeymoon period” early in recovery. Early on, we tend to take in a lot of information, because we have hope for the first time that we could actually recover. Over time, though, our intensity drops off. But, it’s been said that reading recovery literature is like having a sponsor right with you all the time. That having been said, here is some recommended reading. It is by no means exhaustive, so keep looking because there’s a lot of good stuff out there.

The Big Book of AA – Our guest author references this all the time, and most of what he has learned in recovery has come from this book.
The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions – This book takes a deep dive into each of the Twelve Steps and also looks at how recovery groups can operate.
Daily Reflections (Alcoholics Anonymous) – this is a daily devotional for folks in recovery and there are some great thoughts in there.
SAA Green Book – Sex Addicts Anonymous has done a really good job of taking the 12 steps and applying them to our addiction.
Out of the Shadows (Patrick Carnes) – this is the classic research work on Sexual Addiction.
Daring Greatly (Brené Brown) – this is a fantastic book about the power of honesty and vulnerability.
Breathing Under Water (Richard Rohr) – Father Rohr’s take on the Twelve Steps is a fantastic look at this path to recovery.
Surfing For God (Michael John Cusick) – Cusick invites us to see what good desire we’re trying to fulfill when we settle for porn & sex to meet our needs.
Unwanted (Jay Stringer) – Through exhaustive research, Stringer shows how our stories and experiences can give us great insight into why we do what we do, and how we can experience change moving forward.
Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction (Mark Laaser) – Dr. Laaser was one of the pioneers in faith-based sexual addiction recovery.
No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction (Marnie C. Ferree & Mark Laaser) – Sexual addiction is not just a struggle for men. More and more women are trapped in unwanted sexual behavior; this book is a great resource for them.

These are just a few great reading resources. CLICK HERE for a longer list we recommend.

Remember, DAILY reading is a part of keeping recovery fresh and current. Find something that speaks to you and where you are. It doesn’t have to be chapters every day, and you don’t have to block off a lot of time. Just spending a little bit of time each day expanding your understanding of addiction & recovery will help you stay focused.

While there is no formula that guarantees long-term sobriety, there are definitely ways we can increase our chances of staying on the path. Calling, Praying, and Reading (CPR) is a fantastic set of daily disciplines that will help you!

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to join our virtual meetings, contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Keeping Recovery Alive with “CPR,” part 2

April 7, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, confession, connection, friendship, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, prayer, recovery, self care, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Stacey Oliver, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Keeping Recovery Alive with “CPR,” part 2

In our last post we began looking at three important daily recovery disciplines that anyone in recovery can implement. The first post was on making calls. You can read that post by clicking HERE.

[This is from our guest author.] The second part of the CPR acronym is “Pray.” Although there are many different ideas and methods regarding prayer, here are some specific suggestions that have been helpful to me throughout my recovery.

The Big Book of AA offers these thoughts on page 87 when describing step 11:

“On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives…As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.”

Another suggestion is to pray or meditate through steps 1, 2, and 3 each day. Acknowledge powerlessness, recognize your need for a higher power, and surrender your thoughts and actions as you try to “do the next right thing” today. These steps are not “one-time” events, but are disciplines that we should practice every day. Praying and meditating on these is a great way to do this.

Step 7 suggests that we ask God to remove our defects of character. It’s probably not practical to go through each character defect every day – I think my initial list had 23 character defects and I keep finding more! – but we can think about the top 2 or 3 defects that have been most prominent in the last 24 hours. We can also look at our day ahead and think about any situations that might cause these defects to surface.

Finally, if we’re not sure what to pray, we can simply recite the Serenity Prayer, the Lord’s Prayer, or another prayer that we find meaningful. When saying these prayers, take them slowly and meditate on each word or phrase. Doing this on a regular basis can help us to find new meaning in these old, tried-and-true prayers.

[This is from Greg.] I so appreciate the perspective on prayer you’ve just read from our guest author. I just want to add a couple short thoughts of my own.

For a Christian who struggles with addiction, that person usually also has a difficult time connecting with God through prayer for help with the struggle. There can be a number of reasons. Shame is a typical one. Rather than run to God for the forgiveness promised in the Bible, we hide from him (like Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden), ashamed and afraid of being exposed. But God knows what we’ve done and He invites us to come back to Him and receive His help.

Another reason prayer can be difficult is spiritual abuse. Many who grew up in the church were taught wrong messages about God (i.e. He’s angry, He’s looking for a reason to punish people when they do wrong) or were constantly subjected to hellfire & brimstone thinking. Why would someone who struggles with sexual sin want to pray to a God like that? We often want to clean ourselves up first, before coming into God’s presence; the problem is this doesn’t work.

Finally, pride can be a reason we don’t approach God in prayer. We want to fix it ourselves. We live life surrounded by messages of self-sufficiency. Here is where working the Twelve Steps really helps. If we understand and remember our powerlessness, our inability to bring change on our own, this will drive us to seek help from the One who really can help us.

In our next post, we’ll take a look at the third element of CPR: Read. Stay tuned!

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to join our virtual meetings, contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Keeping Recovery Alive with “CPR” (part 1)

April 1, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, confession, connection, friendship, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, self care, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Stacey Oliver, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Keeping Recovery Alive with “CPR” (part 1)

At the time of this post, we are in the midst of a season unlike anything we’ve experienced in our lifetime. Because of COVID-19, we are all being urged to practice social distancing, and many people are using the extra time to recalibrate some daily disciplines – physical, emotional, and spiritual. People are exercising more, praying and reading scripture more, and connecting more over phone and video chat.

What a perfect time for those of us in recovery to work on these same disciplines and cultivate some habits that will help our daily journey. In the midst of a global health crisis, we could all use a bit of CPR to help keep our recovery alive! So what can this look like?

Over the next three posts, we’ll take a look at each component that makes up CPR: Call, Pray, and Read. In this first post, we’ll take a look at making calls.

Call

One of the best tools in the recovery toolbox is the phone. Whether by call, text, or video chat, our phone is a direct line to another person who can help us in our recovery journey. Many addicted people know what it’s like to have used our phones for very unhealthy or addictive purposes, but now we have the opportunity to use them for recovery. So, when should we call and what should we talk about?

Regularly

Early on in my recovery, my sponsor told me to call him every day. That seemed like a tall order, but when I was trying to figure out what a new life of sobriety looked like, it really helped to talk to him every day. He gave me good reminders about the basics of living in the moment and helped me talk through situations that came up each day. As we continue to walk our journey and find some serenity in our lives, a daily call may not be necessary, but regular calls with people in recovery will always be beneficial to us and to them.

When Character Defects Crop Up

The Big Book of AA has one of my favorite suggestions for working Step 10: “Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.” As we work this maintenance step and notice selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear cropping up, after asking God to remove the defect, we should discuss it with someone immediately. This applies to any defect of character or any situation where we are not sure what to do. Discussing these things with another person can help us to “get out of our own head” and have some clarity.

Bookends

Another great piece of advice given to me by my sponsor was to “bookend” events that could be difficult for our recovery. This simply means to make a phone call before and after a triggering event. It could be a business trip, a visit with a family member that triggers trauma, or (and this is especially relevant for where we are in Spring 2020) an extended period of time alone. When we know we are going to be in a situation that might be considered “middle circle,” ( ← click for info on Three Circles) discussing it with another person before and after the event can be very helpful. Before the event, we can discuss our plan for how to handle the feelings we expect to feel. And after the event, we can discuss what helped us stay sober during and after the event.

One other note about phone calls: We should always express gratitude to the person who we call. One of my sponsors, when I thanked him for talking, would always respond “Thank you for helping me work my 12th step!”. When we call someone, we are not only helping our own recovery – we are helping them stay sober as well.

Everyone working a program of recovery should have a list of people they can call. If you don’t have a list, the next time you are at a meeting, ask a fellow member for their phone number. And if you already have a good list, offer your number to someone to whom you think you can be of service. Staying connected over the phone will help us all.

In our next post, we’ll take a look at the second element of CPR: Pray. Stay tuned!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to join our virtual meetings, contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Finding a Sponsor

February 12, 2020Awaken Blogaccountability, awaken, Big Book, confession, friendship, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, love, porn addiction, pornography, recovery, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sponsor, sponsorship, supportGreg

Finding a Sponsor

We believe that for recovery to happen God must do “for us what we could not do for ourselves.” A huge part of how He does this is through the encouragement, fellowship, and help of other people in our lives. When we start looking at what other people’s help looks like, the word sponsorship begins to come up a lot. Many who are new in the recovery process hear that word and have questions. Why is sponsorship important? What does a good sponsor look like? How do I go about finding a sponsor? When should I get a sponsor?

Let’s unpack some of these questions…

WHY? The Importance of Sponsorship: I believe that the most effective path to healing from addictive behavior is by working the 12 Steps as laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This program of recovery has guided millions of people from addiction to serenity in the last 100 years. Yet many of us come into recovery with no idea what the 12 Steps are all about and what it looks like to “work the steps”. In order to find out, we need someone to show us the way. Someone who has been guided on this journey by someone who has been guided on this journey by someone who has been guided on this journey…well, I think you get the point! We need someone who can share their experience, strength, and hope with us when we are not sure what to do next. We need someone who knows our story and is willing to listen to our day-to-day struggles and successes. Without this guidance and support on arguably the most important journey of our life, we will wander aimlessly and have very little chance of reaching our goal.

There’s one other reason that sponsorship is important. When we ask someone to sponsor us, we are also helping them work their program of recovery. Step 12 says that “having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts”. I always thank my sponsor for their time after a call, and one of my sponsors used to always say “thank you for helping me work my program.” It was cool to know that he was helping me, but I was also helping him.

WHO? What an effective sponsor looks like: When explaining the recommended way to share our Step 5 with another person, the Big Book recommends “someone who will understand, yet be unaffected.” (←click to read more) I believe this applies to our sponsor as well. Our sponsor should be someone who understands the choices we have made and has made similar choices in their own walk. And this person should not be upset or offended when we are rigorously honest with them about the choices we have made.

Next, this person should be further along the 12-step path than we are. It would be really hard for someone to show us the way on a path that they have not been on themself. I don’t think they necessarily need to have worked all 12 steps, but if they haven’t, they should be farther along the path than we are. And they should have something that we want – some amount of sobriety or serenity that we are looking for. It doesn’t make much sense to ask someone to help us if they don’t have something that we want.

Finally, our sponsor should be someone that we are comfortable sharing with and someone that we are comfortable taking advice from. When we ask someone to sponsor us, we are agreeing that we will share some things with this person that we might have never shared with another person. We need to trust that this person will handle our story with care, kindness, and confidence. We also need to be OK taking advice from that person. A good sponsor will ask us to do certain things to work our program. They will also make suggestions when we call and check in with them. We need to respect our sponsor enough to at least try the suggestions they give us – remember, they have something we want and they know a path to get there!

WHERE? HOW? Suggestions for Finding a Sponsor: To find a sponsor, we first need to go where sponsors are likely to be – recovery meetings! Choose a meeting that works with your schedule and start attending regularly. If you want to get a sponsor and start working the steps immediately, ask the meeting facilitator to help connect you with a temporary sponsor. A temporary sponsor can get you started on working a program of recovery, but may not be your sponsor for the long-term.

Once you have attended several meetings, hopefully you will start to see at least one or two people who meet most of the criteria described above. Once you identify these folks, just take one aside after the meeting and ask them to sponsor you. It’s pretty simple! That person may not agree to be your sponsor, and if that’s the case, keep looking until you are able to find someone. When you see the Step 9 Promises (←click to read more) start to happen in your life, you will know it was worth the effort!

WHEN? The Timing for Finding a Sponsor: Sponsorship is a critical part of your recovery journey. Most of us cannot do this alone. If you have recognized that you are powerless and that your life is unmanageable, now is the time to find a sponsor. If you have been attending meetings for a while but feel like your recovery is stagnant, now is the time to find a sponsor. If you are new to the program and are not sure what to do, now is the time to find a sponsor. Regardless of where you are in your journey, having a trusted guide is essential to success in recovery.

– A grateful member of the Awaken community

Heaviness and Hope

December 4, 2019Awaken Blogaccountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, community, confession, counseling, fellowship, forgiveness, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, pornography, recovery, sex addiction, sexual addiction, supportGreg

Heaviness and Hope

I’m not going to lie…late Fall and early Winter is a tough time of year for me.

Some of it has to do with how overcast the sky is during the winter. Some of it has to do with the time change and getting dark at 5 pm. Continue reading Heaviness and Hope →

I Don’t Know What To Do…

February 4, 2016Awaken Blogaccountability, addiction, adultery, awaken, betrayal, brokenness, cheating, church, confession, forgiveness, friendship, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, leaders, pastors, pornography, recovery, sex addiction, sexual addiction, Stacey Oliver, supportGreg

I Don’t Know What To Do…

Everyone in the small group just sat there. The awkward silence hung heavy in the room, like a heavy stage curtain that had just lowered onto everyone sitting in the circle. The bombshell had been dropped just a few seconds ago, but with each ticking second of silence it seemed like years. Continue reading I Don’t Know What To Do… →

Think your kids are safe online?

August 11, 2015Generalaccountability, addiction, children, Covenant Eyes, grace, Greg Oliver, internet safety, parenting, parents, pornography, sex addiction, Stacey Oliver, X3WatchGreg

Think your kids are safe online?

Many of us are in the season when our kids are going back to school. If you’re like me, your kids may be in a school district where their schools distribute devices like iPads or Chromebooks. Continue reading →