At the time this post is written (February 2021), we are about two weeks post-release of the report on Ravi Zacharias’ sexual abuse. The revelation of new and heartbreaking information about what was going on in Ravi’s life has Christians reeling. Continue reading An Open Letter to Sexually Broken People
Tag Archives: God’s love
An Open Letter to Sexually Broken People
Sin, Secrets, and Sexual Abuse…How Do We Respond? (part 3)
Sin, Secrets, and Sexual Abuse…How Do We Respond? (part 3)
This is Part Three of a post. In Parts One & Two I wrote about the recent report on Ravi Zacharias’ sexual misconduct/abuse. To read Part One first, CLICK HERE. To read Part Two, CLICK HERE.
Wrapping up my thoughts on the Ravi Zacharias report, one more tweet from Samuel James is pertinent and well-put:
I think the “both/and” that Samuel presents in three short tweets underscores the important but difficult task we have in processing things like this. It would be easier to minimize what Ravi did. It would also be easier to “cancel” Ravi and act like he’s never existed. But are either of those good options?
Some people are saying, “Yes, but everything Ravi said in his apologetic work and ministry was true and it is still as powerful today as it was then.”
I would say… Yes it is, but also no it isn’t.
One of my favorite comedians growing up was Bill Cosby. My parents had some of his live comedy albums and I wore them out, listening and laughing over and over to stories like “The Chicken Heart That Ate Up New York City” or “Natural Childbirth.” And if I played those albums again today, you could argue that the stories are just as funny today as they were in the 70’s and 80’s when they first came out. But when I hear them today, I don’t laugh as hard because the purity of the experience is gone. I now know something about Bill Cosby that I didn’t know then, and it makes his work less pure to me. Still funny, but impossible not to be affected.
I also believe that everything I ever heard Ravi so masterfully say about the gospel and Scripture was and is true. And I believe it’s important not to act as if he never existed or had a ministry. I believe many people are in heaven today or on their way there largely because of Ravi’s ministry. That cannot be ignored.
But neither can the hundreds of women who were abused. Neither can the many RZIM staffers who were lied to, and who served this man without having any idea about what was going on. (There certainly seem to be those who were aware and/or had suspicions and did not speak up, but many had no knowledge or suspicion.) These people can’t be ignored either.
So, where does that leave us? Where does that leave me? In a confusing, hurtful place where I see what a spiritual hero did and say, “This was terribly wicked.” Where the truth Ravi proclaimed is still true, but is stained with the inconsistency of how we now know he lived his life in secret. Where I accept that short, pithy, easy answers to how we deal with this are going to fall woefully short. Where I learn more deeply how contemporary evangelical Christianity needs to continue to grow in our understanding and sensitivity toward how women are treated. Where I wake up every day with the knowledge that it probably won’t be long before, within the ranks of evangelical “superstars,” another one bites the dust.
I want my life to reflect that while for many years I was directly a part of the problem, now I seek to live every day being part of the solution. But while that is my pursuit, I am painfully mindful of what I read from Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer, which tells me that the best expectation I have is “that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.”
And amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to get help for recovery, including our recovery meetings (in person or virtual), contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Sin, Secrets, and Sexual Abuse…How Do We Respond? (part 2)
Sin, Secrets, and Sexual Abuse…How Do We Respond? (part 2)
This is Part Two of a post. In Part One of my post I wrote about the recent report on Ravi Zacharias’ sexual misconduct/abuse. To read Part One first, CLICK HERE.
The second extreme Samuel encourages us to avoid (in his tweet) is:
- “We’re all one step away from being him.”
Other ways I’ve heard people express similar sentiments to this phrase:
- “Look at all the broken people God used in Scripture.”
- “My (fill in the blank with your sin struggle) is just as bad as his sexual sin.”
There’s a big difference between saying “That could happen to me,” and “I’m one step away from that happening to me.” The first phrase indicates a self-awareness, humility, and solemnity over what sin can do in anyone’s life. But as Samuel points out, the latter phrase (I believe unintentionally) minimizes how egregious and horrifying Ravi’s actions were.
Do I really believe I am only one step away from mismanaging the funds people donate to the nonprofit I lead, so that I can use those funds to bribe/coerce women into having sex with me? No, I do not.
Do I really believe I am only one step away from gaslighting/manipulating someone – using prayer – into having extramarital sex with me and framing it as an “opportunity” from God? No, I do not.
Do I really believe I am only one step away from rejecting statements of concern from godly friends, then going further and punishing those friends for daring to suggest I could possibly be engaging in risky behavior? No, I do not.
I believe I have the potential to do all of these things, given the right (or wrong) set of circumstances and choices over time. God knows the list of things I did in my addiction is long and troubling enough. But it is one thing to say “That could happen to me,” and a very different thing to say “I’m only one step away.”
Ravi didn’t quickly, or overnight, get to the point where he abused women the way he did. It took more than one step for him to travel from being a man of consistent integrity (assuming there was a season in life when this was true) to a man who hid, lied, manipulated, mismanaged funds, mistreated, molested, and even raped.
Ravi had chances to ask for help, to confess his sin before it degraded to the point where it did. He didn’t ask for help. I believe I understand better than some why he didn’t. Asking for help is terrifying when you’ve done things that you know will damage or destroy your reputation or ministry. That’s why I never confessed. Once I knew certain behavior lines had been crossed, I knew I would certainly lose my job and it would result in rejection and public shame.
But I also understand this: I was still responsible to ask for help, and to accept the consequences that came when I didn’t. Another thing I understand: There are many others who have struggled with sexual brokenness that looked like mine in the early days, but who asked for help before it got out of hand.
I thank God that I was caught when I was, and that I had the opportunity to own my sin (even if not initially of my own choice). I also thank God that He intervened and caused me to be exposed before I did anything worse than I did. I would love to think there are certain things I “never would have done,” and while I can’t be sure, I know that the human impact of my sin – as devastating as it was, and as evil in God’s sight as any sin – did not take the same human toll as Ravi’s. I say this with all the humility I can…Ravi’s sin was not more sinful than mine, but it was definitely more hurtful.
That’s why the next tweet in Samuel’s thread was important and relevant:
Yes, we all need to repent of our sin daily. Yes, we all need to be honest about our dark potential should we engage with our flesh. Yes, we all need to confess our sins like anger, lust, and pride. We all absolutely need to do this.
But not everyone is “one step away from being” Ravi. We have to acknowledge the weight of what he did, because he didn’t take responsibility to get honest and to ask for help. This is the exact reason why it is so critical to ask for help.
We may never know the reason(s) why Ravi started down the path of deviation from God’s design for sex. It could be that he could have received help that would have prevented him from doing as much harm as he did. It could be that we could have come to understand that maybe there were events/traumas in his life that contributed to his choices. I wonder how many would have rushed to Ravi to offer love, support, and help for him to recover and heal from his sin, and sexual sickness. I would have been one of those people. Tragically, because this didn’t come out until after his death, we may never get that clarity, and we (all of us) are left with the mess he made.
Friend who is reading this while secretly struggling and trying to manage sexual sin… PLEASE…ask for help. You have not gone too far for redemption. You have not out-sinned God’s ability to forgive and restore. I cannot and will not pretend there won’t be consequences, but whatever they are, they are better than continuing down the path of destruction (for you and for others). Please, ask for help.
To read Part Three of this post, CLICK HERE.
Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to get help for recovery, including our recovery meetings (in person or virtual), contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Sin, Secrets, and Sexual Abuse…How Do We Respond? (part 1)
Sin, Secrets, and Sexual Abuse…How Do We Respond? (part 1)
Ever since when, in the Fall of 2020, the story emerged that Ravi Zacharias had been accused of sexual misconduct, I’ve thought and grieved about it a lot. When the full report commissioned by RZIM (Ravi Zacharias International Ministries) was released on February 11, 2021, the truth about what Ravi had done was much more grievous and devastating than I had imagined.
For years before his death, Ravi was a go-to Christian apologist I would cite whenever I wanted to make a point and needed better words than I could come up with myself. Ravi was unbelievably intelligent and articulate, and had a way of presenting Christianity and the gospel that I admired. It was gentle but direct, humble but confident, loving but unquestionably biblical.
When the huge and hidden part of Ravi’s life was exposed after his death, it was heartbreaking. I have to admit, and I’m not happy to say this (but it’s honest)… My initial heartbreak was at having to process sadness and disappointment about the actions of someone whom I had admired so much. My initial heartbreak was not primarily focused on the women who were victimized by his unimaginable behavior. I am grateful for the eloquent and sensitive men and women who have written and advocated on behalf of Ravi’s victims. My tunnel vision was not intentional, but it was certainly there.
So, as I’ve been mulling over this whole awful situation for a week now, I’ve been thinking, “Is there anything I can say to weigh in on this that hasn’t already been said? Is there anything I could contribute that is helpful or necessary?” I’m pretty sure the answer to the first question is “No.” Tons of articles, blogs, tweets and social media posts have been written about Ravi and what people feel/think/believe about it. Anything I write will be at best a rehashing of something someone else has already said, and maybe better.
As for the second question, whether my contribution would be helpful or necessary, I’m not sure. But if there’s anyone who reads this and it spurs you to think more deeply and honestly about sexual brokenness & how it relates to responsibility, ownership, grace, the gospel – and how the Church has struggled to effectively address all of the above – then maybe there’s value in it.
I was listening to a podcast from Christianity Today about the report on Ravi, and one of the people on the podcast referenced a thread of tweets from a Twitter user named Samuel D. James (@samueld_james). I want to use his tweets, which are concise and very true, as a jumping off point for some of my own thoughts.
Samuel first tweeted:
I want to talk about these two extremes one at a time.
- “That could never be me.”
Other ways I’ve heard people articulate the first phrase include:
- “I would never do something like that.”
- “I have my problems, but that’s really messed up.”
- “What kind of person would do something like that?!”
I love how Samuel succinctly reminds us that to say any of the above minimizes the heinousness of our own sin. I would add that making any of the above claims for ourselves is naïve, prideful, dishonest, and dangerous.
My own experience with sexual addiction showed me with painful clarity that just because a person hasn’t done something YET doesn’t mean it will never happen. Sexual sin, sexual addiction, unwanted sexual behavior – whatever way of referring to it is most comfortable to you – there’s one thing I know to be true about it.
It doesn’t stop where it starts.
Once we begin to deviate from the beauty of God’s design for sexuality, we start down a path where we expect sex to provide something for us other that is unrealistic and unhealthy. There are multiple reasons a person might start down that path. For some sex is the comforting or coping method adopted early in life to sooth trauma or pain. For others, the pursuit of sex is a self-focused pleasure quest that doesn’t start out seeming to hurt anyone. For still others, it can be much more sinister, an evil desire to dominate and degrade other people.
No matter what a person’s back story, or the initial explanations for what starts us down that path, we do not typically come to a point where the deviation plateaus. Sexual brokenness/addiction does not become static, or status-quo. It is either getting worse or it is getting better.
So, to make statements like “That could never be me” is false and careless. Not to mention the spiritual implications. I almost shudder when I hear people making comments like this. I can imagine our spiritual enemy and his forces saying, “Yeah, I’ll take that challenge.” The person who “minimizes the heinousness” of his own sin invites spiritual attack that he is never prepared for.
To read Part Two of this post, CLICK HERE.
Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to get help for recovery, including our recovery meetings (in person or virtual), contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Step Seven
Step Seven
“Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings”
Now that we have listed the defects of character that drive our acting out behavior (Step 6), it is once again time to ask God’s help in our recovery. This step is similar to Step 3 in that the Big Book outlines a specific prayer that is recommended:
“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.”
Praying this prayer from the heart has no doubt helped many addicts over the years. But my sponsor took it one step farther. We met together for about 2 hours one day and prayed this prayer for every individual character defect that was on my list – all 26 of them! Together, we talked through my list and after each defect I prayed the prayer above, replacing “every single defect of character” with the specific defect that we were discussing. It took some time, but it was worth it.
My sponsor also suggested a daily practice around Step 7 that I have found very useful. In my daily prayers and meditations (Step 11), he suggested that I examine the day before or the day ahead, and consider the top 2 or 3 character defects that happen to be near the surface. Maybe something happened the day before that put one of my defects on full display. Or maybe there is an upcoming event that I know could trigger one of my defects. When I identify my top 2 or 3 for the day, he recommended that I pray through those. As I mentioned in my post on Step 6, often God will remove a character defect, only to have me snatch it back the next day. Praying through my top 2 or 3 defects daily, makes this less likely to happen. It also gives me an awareness of things to look out for as I go through my day.
I have found that practicing Step 7 on a regular basis has been one of the most helpful parts of all of the 12 Steps when it comes to my day-to-day walk. It helps me to deal with underlying feelings and emotions in a healthy manner. It gives me something to check in with my sponsor, even when my sobriety is strong. And it helps me see the things that could lead to acting out and stop them before it becomes a problem.
May you have the willingness to ask God to remove every single defect of character in your life, today!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
One Day at a Time
One Day at a Time
I have a 20-year old privacy fence around my backyard. The posts and rails are in good shape but the boards have been breaking and cracking and detaching over the years. One of my “pandemic projects” has been to replace all of the boards on the fence. I have spent many hot and sweaty hours replacing boards on this fence. It seemed like an immense amount of work and after a particularly long session this past weekend, I stepped back and took a look. Much to my dismay, I still have a long way to go!
I could have gotten discouraged thinking “I have done all of this work and there are still SO MANY boards that have to be replaced.” But then I realized that this project is very similar to my recovery process. I am rebuilding my fence one board at a time.
My recovery works the same way – I recover from addiction one day at a time. If I step back and look at how long it will take me to complete my fence (or my recovery), it’s overwhelming. But if I stay focused on the board that I’m working on, the job seems pretty easy. Pull a board out and replace it. Pull another board out and replace it. Not that hard at all.
My recovery is the same way – I just need to focus on today. Focus on the things that I can do that will allow God to work in my life today. Call someone. Go to a meeting. Read scripture. Pray. Meditate.
Today.
In Alcoholics Anonymous (and other similar fellowships), when someone takes a “one-year” sobriety chip, many times they are asked: “How’d ya do it?”. And the traditional answer is “One day at a time.” It’s always a beautiful moment. I don’t need to worry about tomorrow or next week or next year. I need to focus on today. Do the right things that will help me to recover today. Focus on the board right in front of me. And then one day, I will look up and my fence will be repaired and healthy.
* DISCLAIMER: I am not a handyman. If you read the story of my fence and laughed because you could repair the whole fence in one afternoon, more power to you! And, please give me a call, because I sure could use your help!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Step Six
Step Six
“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
One of my favorite phrases in the Big Book of A.A. comes after the description of Step 5. The passage says “Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last.” To me this means that the hard work we have done so far has laid the foundation for fundamental changes in our lives. We are moving from a constant battle against addiction (“white-knuckling”, if you will) to life of serenity and gratitude. We are getting to the roots of our addiction, not just the behaviors, but the underlying flaws in our character that have manifested themselves in our acting out. This milestone is where a spiritual awakening really begins to happen for many of us.
Willingness to be rid of our character defects is crucial. If we are not willing to change, we are just giving lip-service to this step. The Big Book even suggests that we ask God for willingness: “If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.” Hopefully, the work we’ve done in the first 5 steps will open our eyes enough to see where these defects of character have gotten us, but if we want to hang on to some, ask for willingness.
The action part of this step is to make a list of our character defects. It is sometimes helpful to go back and re-read our Step 1 and Step 4 writings and think about them through the lens of character defects. We look at our moral inventory for things like selfishness, manipulation, codependency, or a poor self-image. When making this list, try not to confuse deep human needs with character defects. For example, we all have the need for connection with others. That is not a defect of character. But manipulating people as part of those connections may be a flaw in our character. A therapist or a sponsor who knows our story can be really helpful in identifying defects that we may not see in ourselves. Intensive therapy sessions, such as the Roots Retreat offered by Awaken, can be helpful in this area as well.
One thing that I have found with my character defects is that they require daily surrender. One of my most memorable recovery meetings was a discussion of Step 6 and a brother in the program said “Sometimes, God will take away one of my character defects, and the next day, I take it right back!” That really stuck with me as a reminder that these flaws in my character do come back from time-to-time and that I need to surrender them each time they come up. Like many of the steps, being willing for God to remove character defects is not a one-time event – it is something we practice every day.
Another thing that I have found is that as I work on my character defects, it is a lot like peeling back an onion. There are layers to my character defects that I didn’t see when I made my initial list. And I’m quite sure that there are layers that I don’t see now that I will need to address as I continue to peel back the layers. All of this talk about onions and layers reminds me of my favorite scene from the movie “Shrek.” I’ll leave you with these words of wisdom from an ogre and a talking donkey:
Shrek: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example? Okay, er… ogres… are… like onions.
Donkey: [sniffs onion] They stink?
Shrek: Yes…NO!
Donkey: Or they make you cry.
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they get all brown and start sproutin’ little white hairs.
Shrek: NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers… you get it. We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKE! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!
Shrek: [restraining temper] I don’t care… what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes!
May you begin to peel back the layers on your character defects today!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Honesty
Honesty
I don’t know what the reverse of a “catch-22” is officially called, but when it comes to honesty and sobriety, their relationship is a “reverse catch-22”. Being honest helps me to stay sober, and staying sober helps me to be honest.
There’s a saying, “All addicts are liars,” and while this certainly holds some truth, the fact is many addicts are generally honest people except when it comes to their addiction.
Shame and fear can turn an honest man into a liar pretty quickly.
Rigorous honesty is a critical component of recovery. Working the 12 Steps helps us put this honesty into practice. We find a sponsor and are able to check in with them when we are in our middle circle. We make a “fearless and searching moral inventory” and then we share it with another person (Steps 4 and 5). We are honest about our character defects (Step 6) and we are honest about who we have hurt (Step 8). We look for dishonesty in ourselves with a daily inventory (Step 10).
With the help of a therapist, many of us disclose our behavior to our spouse or our family. We are honest about our family of origin as we dig into our own personal trauma. By doing these things with rigorous honesty, we learn to be honest about the things that we have hidden out of fear and shame for so long. And what is the result of working this program with rigorous honesty? Sobriety!
And when we begin to become sober from our addiction, the things that we used to feel compelled to lie about are no longer a part of our life. Honesty comes easier to us and we learn to be comfortable in our own skin around others.
See? It’s a reverse Catch-22! When we are honest, we become sober, and when we are sober, we are more honest. May you find yourself in this reverse Catch-22 today!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Getting to the Roots
Getting to the Roots
This post is about The Roots Retreat, Awaken’s therapeutic intensive weekend for men seeking recovery from addictive or unwanted sexual behavior. Our next men’s Roots Retreat is scheduled for June 4-7, 2020.
We also offer a Roots Retreat for women who have been sexually betrayed by their husbands/male partners. We’ll offer a post on the women’s retreat at a later date.
In early January 2009, my years-long sexual addiction secret was exposed, and I began a life journey of recovery. If you have not read or heard my story, you can catch up on that HERE.
In those early days of recovery, I learned a lot of new terms, phrases, and concepts. Now that my secret was in the light and I was working with a therapist and a sponsor, I began to soak in everything I could that would help me move forward.
Something I heard a lot about was the concept of “branches and roots.” For all the years I’d been trying to defeat my addiction on my own, my effort was almost exclusively focused on stopping what I was doing. “Stop looking at porn.” “Stop compulsively masturbating.” “Stop hooking up.” And while, of course, it was good for me to want to stop doing all those things, I realized later that I was trying to kill a tree by sawing off its branches.
All of the unwanted behaviors I was doing weren’t my real problem. They were evidence of my deeper problem. Something in my life was broken, wounded, sick, traumatized, and instead of ignoring or hiding those things, I needed to discover what they were. If my acting out behavior was the branches of a tree, then all my hidden brokenness was its roots.
Once I was able to identify those “root” areas of brokenness, I could see the connection between them and my eventual behavior. This was super-important in learning how to acknowledge the many contributors to addiction, while still taking ownership and responsibility for my own behavior and choices.
One way to get to the roots…
There’s another thing I’ve learned in my years of recovery. When a person is really ready for change, it can be helpful to take an immersive approach. What do I mean by that? Well, while working one-on-one with a therapist over weeks and months is a critical part of recovery, there are additional ways to do this work. One way is through attending a recovery intensive.
An intensive is an uninterrupted retreat in which an attendee works with therapists, volunteers, and other people in recovery over a short, but intense period of time. Instead of doing your therapy work one hour at a time over several months, you work on it solidly for about four days. This concentrated approach really helps a lot of people connect dots more quickly. The atmosphere of quiet and retreat from everyday life (no phones, computers, etc.) helps people to connect with and stay in their emotions, getting a lot done. People who attend intensives go home feeling much more in tune with where they’ve been, where they are, and where they want to go; and if they’re working with a therapist they have a clearer idea of their continuing path forward.
Awaken offers a four-day intensive for men called The Roots Retreat. The weekend helps them better understand how their addiction formed, how to take healthy responsibility, how to begin healing from their own trauma, and how to more healthily approach their marriages & other relationships. Men who attend work with multiple therapists and staff. The work is spiritually and emotionally challenging & intense, but can also be incredibly fulfilling and healing.
Since 2016, over 110 men have attended a Roots Retreat weekend, and for many of them it was exactly the catalyst they needed to help recovery take hold in their lives.
The Roots Retreat for men is offered three times a year, typically in February, June, and October. If you have been looking for a way to get unstuck and to experience more progress in your recovery, the Roots Retreat could be a solution for you.
To find out more about the Roots Retreat, click HERE. There are assistance options available for attendees with financial difficulties.
Greg Oliver struggled for years with an addiction to sex & porn. Since 2009 he has been on a journey of recovery. He and his wife Stacey founded Awaken as a way to walk with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders, and to help them experience healing in the midst of sexual brokenness. Awaken offers weekly recovery meetings, including virtual ones. Email us for more info.
Step Four
Step Four
Step Four: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”
Steps 1 through 3 of the Twelve Steps are things that mostly happened in our heads and with our words. We “admitted we were powerless”, we “came to believe”, and we “made a decision”. These are critical tasks and it would be nearly impossible to recover from addiction without doing these on a daily basis. But there’s not a whole lot of action involved. Sure, we may have written out a first step or said the third step prayer, but to this point, we haven’t done much of anything. Step 4 is where that all changes. In fact, the beginning of this section of the Big Book says “next we launched out on a course of vigorous action…”. Now we’re talkin’!
What does a Step 4 look like?
I have seen two different forms for a Step 4. The first is a long document that follows the items outlined in the Big Book. The second is a worksheet; taking the same content and putting it in an easier-to-complete worksheet form. Either way is perfectly fine as long as it meets the criteria of “searching and fearless.” I believe this means we spend a lot of time thinking and writing. I believe it means we directly acknowledge the things that we have done and the motivations behind them. I believe it means we don’t sugarcoat our behavior. I believe it means we don’t intentionally leave anything out. Of course there will be things that are left out unintentionally, especially if we’ve been dealing with our addiction for many years. Even with a very deliberate and thorough process, very few of us can remember all of the details of our lives. The point is that we do our best, and if something comes to mind later that we missed earlier, we write it down.
What is in a Step 4?
At first glance, we might think that a Step 4 is simply all of the things that we did as part of our addiction. But there is a lot more to it than that. The Big Book talks about looking at our lives from several different angles and I believe these are critical to a complete inventory. I recommend to my sponsees and others in our fellowship to include the following sections in a written Step 4:
Resentments
Early in my recovery, I found talk of resentments surprising. I didn’t think my problem had anything to do with resentments – until I started writing them down. As I worked my 4th step I started to realize that I actually did harbor a lot of resentments. More often than not, they turned out to be the driving force behind my behavior. The Big Book says that “this business of resentment is infinitely grave…when harboring such feeling, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit…the insanity of [our addiction] returns…” After identifying these resentments in Step 4, the rest of the steps help us to learn how to watch out for resentments and to deal with them in healthier ways so that we can experience a life of serenity.
Behaviors
Just because we start our inventory with our resentments, this does not mean we blame others for our behavior. The Big Book goes on to say “putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened?” This is the part of our inventory where we list the things in our lives where we have hurt others with our selfishness and dishonesty. And this list should not be limited to just sexual acting out – most of us have hurt people in other ways as well. These items should also make the list. This is not a time to sugarcoat our actions either. We don’t need to qualify or put adjectives on the items on this list. In the words of Joe Friday, “Just the facts, ma’am!” Finally, because thinking through the ways we have hurt people can bring up many painful memories and emotions, it is important to remember that you are not the sum of your bad behavior. You have done a lot of good things in your life too. And these should go on the list as well. It is a complete inventory, after all.
Fears
I have heard it said that most of what we fear never comes to pass. Yet many of us spend a lot of time in worry and fear. While our resentments keep us tethered to the past, our fears tether us to uncertainty about the future. And serenity cannot be found in either the past or the future. Serenity is found by coming to terms with the present, in whatever form it takes. Listing our fears in Step 4 and learning to deal with them in the rest of the steps is a major component of having a successful recovery.
Final Thoughts on Step 4
It is often said that recovery is “simple, but not easy”. And while the outline above is fairly simple, there is nothing easy about it. Many people get hung up on Step 4 and never complete it because of the amount and the difficulty of the work involved. But if it is important to you to get healthy and the 12 Steps is the path you choose, it is worth the effort. Put lots of prayer and thought and effort into the lists described above. Set aside some time each day to work on this until it is finished. This is the beginning of a “vigorous course of action” that will bring us the spiritual awakening described in the Step 9 promises. We will be closer to God than ever before, we will be able to look our fellow man in the eye, and we will have peace and serenity we never knew was possible.
May you find spiritual health, emotional health, and physical health today my friends!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Step Three
Step Three
Last week, I wrote that steps 1 through 3 of the Twelve Steps are the “Made a Decision” steps and the rest of the steps are the “Take Action” steps. (See the entire post here.) Let’s dig a little deeper into the last of these “Made a Decision” steps and see what we find. Step 3 says that we “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” Let’s break it down…
Made a Decision to…
At some point early in our recovery process, we drew a line in the sand. Our lives were unmanageable and we knew we needed help from God to change. For some of us, this decision came in a time of crisis – our world was falling apart and we had reached rock bottom. We could not continue to live like we were living. For others, this decision came from an awareness of our behavior and the direction we were going and a recognition that this was not the path we wanted our lives to follow. In either case, we reached a point that we decided to do something about our behavior. So what did we decide to do?
…turn our will…
Whether we knew it or not, our behavior stemmed from a faulty thought-process – or as our brothers and sisters in AA say, “stinkin’ thinkin’”. We had beliefs about ourselves that were not true and we had cultivated patterns of thinking that led us to acting out even when the thoughts themselves were not directly related to acting out. We lived in fear, anger, resentment, or self-pity. And we were convinced that acting out would help to make us feel better. And in the moment, sometimes they did make us feel better. But they also took over our lives and eventually, the wheels fell off. So, we had to learn to turn these faulty thought-processes over to God. We had to learn to let these thoughts go when they came into our heads. We had to learn to be thankful instead of resentful, and helpful to others instead of full of fear and self-pity. This is what it means to “turn our will” over to God. And the rest of the 12 steps help us to learn how to do these things.
…and our lives…
Not only did we need to change our way of thinking, we also needed to change our behaviors. We had habitually acted on the faulty thought processes and turned those into a regular way of life. We had been dishonest with ourselves and with others. And we had hurt a lot of people in the process – including ourselves. Instead of acting on our feelings and desires in a destructive manner, we needed to learn how to “do the next right thing”. We needed to learn to stop trying to manipulate outcomes and instead to figure out the next right thing to do – and do it! We needed to turn our lives over to our Higher Power. And the rest of the 12 steps help us learn how to do this as well.
…over to the care of God…
Turning our lives and wills over to the care of God means that we cannot do this all by ourselves. Our own thinking and decision making has led us to do things that have caused a lot of harm. We needed to learn to trust God by letting go of our old thought-patterns and choosing to do the next right thing. Finding the help to do this involves prayer, meditation, meetings, phone calls, and reading. It involves taking life one day at a time by not dwelling on the past or living in fear of the future. And it involves finding a sponsor to help us walk this path – another person who has turned their life and will over to the care of God.
…as we understood Him.
The 12 Steps are designed to show a lot of grace to the different religious backgrounds that each of us bring to recovery. And I have seen that they work very well regardless of what we believe (or don’t believe) when we start this journey. The 12 Steps represent a spiritual journey of action and it is very likely that our belief and understanding of God will change to some degree throughout the process. This does not suggest we will reject everything we’ve ever believed. Many of us come to understand that the God we’ve believed in/about isn’t really God, but rather an image we’ve created about God, connected to someone else’s influence. If we open our heart to the idea that change is possible, and if we take action to allow that change to take place in our lives, we will find a new life of serenity and awareness that we never knew was possible. And we can experience God differently, in a way that is more genuine and secure.
One last thought:
While Step 3 is described like a one-time decision that we made early on in our recovery, my sponsor once told me that steps 1, 2, and 3 should be worked every day. It might be really easy for me to turn my life and will over to God one day, but then the next day, not make that decision. But if I wake up each morning and recognize my own powerlessness, acknowledge my need for help, and try to do the next right thing, I tremendously increase my chances of being sober that day. I challenge you to start your day by praying or meditating on steps 1, 2, and 3. It just might help you to stay sober!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Grace and Effort (not mutually exclusive)
Grace and Effort (not mutually exclusive)
Question: There were once three frogs sitting on a log. One of them made a decision to jump in the water. How many frogs were left on the log?
Answer: Three – the frog made a decision, but he took no action!
Working a program of recovery is a lot like the story of the frogs. We can make all the decisions we want, but until we take some action to get healthy, nothing will change. Steps 1 through 3 of the 12 Steps are the “made a decision” steps. We realized we were powerless, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could help, and made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood him. If all we do is work these three steps, we are the frog who made a decision to jump in the water, but ended up staying on the log. Steps 4 through 12 is where action really comes into play. We write down a moral inventory and share it with another person. We identify defects of character and ask God to remove them. We list people we have harmed and we make amends. And we work to maintain sobriety through prayer and meditation and working with others. We also attend meetings and make phone calls and work with therapists to dig into the causes of our behavior. This is the effort that we put forth when we work a program of recovery, and I don’t believe that we can recover without these actions.
But there is also a big part of recovery where we let go and let God, the “Power greater than ourselves,” give us gifts that we cannot get on our own. Christians call this grace. When we let go of our need to control an outcome and just do the next right thing, we are trusting in the grace of God. When we “accept the things we cannot change” and find the “wisdom to know the difference” between things we can change and things we can’t, we are trusting in the grace of God. When we experience the 9th Step Promises, we are experiencing grace. When our sponsor reminds us that working recovery is about progress rather than perfection, we are receiving grace. There are many gifts of recovery that are given to us as we work the program – things that we cannot get on our own. All of these fall into the category of grace and I don’t believe that we can recover without this grace.
I’ll leave you with the words of James: “What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” – James 2: 14-17
May your effort work hand-in-hand with faith in God and His grace, as you work your program today!
– A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!