Tag Archives: infidelity

Step Seven

July 22, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, addiction, awaken, brokenness, church, confession, counseling, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, love, pornography, recovery, restoration, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, Twelve StepsGreg

Step Seven

“Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings”

Now that we have listed the defects of character that drive our acting out behavior (Step 6), it is once again time to ask God’s help in our recovery. This step is similar to Step 3 in that the Big Book outlines a specific prayer that is recommended:

“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.”

Praying this prayer from the heart has no doubt helped many addicts over the years. But my sponsor took it one step farther. We met together for about 2 hours one day and prayed this prayer for every individual character defect that was on my list – all 26 of them! Together, we talked through my list and after each defect I prayed the prayer above, replacing “every single defect of character” with the specific defect that we were discussing. It took some time, but it was worth it.

My sponsor also suggested a daily practice around Step 7 that I have found very useful. In my daily prayers and meditations (Step 11), he suggested that I examine the day before or the day ahead, and consider the top 2 or 3 character defects that happen to be near the surface. Maybe something happened the day before that put one of my defects on full display. Or maybe there is an upcoming event that I know could trigger one of my defects. When I identify my top 2 or 3 for the day, he recommended that I pray through those. As I mentioned in my post on Step 6, often God will remove a character defect, only to have me snatch it back the next day. Praying through my top 2 or 3 defects daily, makes this less likely to happen. It also gives me an awareness of things to look out for as I go through my day.

I have found that practicing Step 7 on a regular basis has been one of the most helpful parts of all of the 12 Steps when it comes to my day-to-day walk. It helps me to deal with underlying feelings and emotions in a healthy manner. It gives me something to check in with my sponsor, even when my sobriety is strong. And it helps me see the things that could lead to acting out and stop them before it becomes a problem.

May you have the willingness to ask God to remove every single defect of character in your life, today!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Step 5

May 26, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, counseling, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, love, pornography, recovery, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Step 5

In my last blog post, we discussed the topic of honesty and how it helps us to become sober (and also how sobriety helps us with our honesty!). And while honesty is part of all 12 steps, the fifth step is all about honesty. When we admit the exact nature of our wrongs to God, to ourselves, and especially to another human being, our honesty is put to the test. The Big Book also references two other traits that are required when we work Step 5: humility and fearlessness. Let’s take a closer look at these.

Through the course of our lives, many of us have developed a pride that has us convinced that we don’t need anyone’s help for anything. But when we walk into our first recovery meeting, that pride begins to crumble. When we ask someone to sponsor us as we work the steps, we are reaching out for help. When we admit that we are powerless over our addictive behavior and acknowledge that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity, we start to learn humility. And this humility matures when we tell another person our whole story in Step 5.

Opening ourselves up to another person and telling our story requires fearlessness as well. Many of us have lived in fear of what others would think of us if they found out what we were really like. We had lived in fear of the consequences of getting caught. And these are valid fears. Our actions do have consequences and other people’s opinions of us could very likely change. And for many of us, these things have already happened, which is why we started coming to meetings in the first place. But even if we haven’t been caught, we still must be fearless and take this step.

So, who is the other human being that I am going to share this with? How do I pick this person? The Big Book uses the phrase “…someone who will understand, yet be unaffected.” Don’t confuse this step with a disclosure to a spouse or a loved one. A disclosure can be an important part of healing a relationship, but that is not the same as working Step 5. The whole “yet be unaffected” part of that statement tells us that our Step 5 should be shared with someone whom we have not hurt. This person could be a sponsor or someone we respect in our recovery program. It could be a doctor or a therapist. It could be a priest or a pastor. Personally, I recommend sharing this with your sponsor who has presumably already worked with you on Steps 1 through 4.

The Big Book uses one other phrase that I would like to highlight. When we take this step, we have already written our inventory and are “prepared for a long talk.” I recommend setting aside two hours or so. I also recommend finding a place that will be free from interruptions. This can be a difficult conversation and you don’t want to have to keep starting over, so plan the time and the place carefully.

I want to leave you with some words of hope from the Big Book – things that happen after we have worked this step. “Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.”

Whether you have worked Step 5 or are planning to work Step 5, may you find that delight and peace and ease!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Identifying Our Triggers

May 7, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, counseling, forgiveness, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, pornography, recovery, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, support, triggers, Twelve StepsGreg

Identifying Our Triggers

One of the tasks that is generally a part of any recovery program is identifying people, institutions, and situations that often move us in the direction of acting out. As we recover and begin to recognize these triggers, we will be more equipped to prepare and respond to them without acting out. So, how do we identify triggers in our lives?

When describing Step 4 and Step 6, The Big Book of A.A. gives us some very useful suggestions that can help us identify triggers.

As part of our work in Step 4, we make a list of resentments and we make a list of fears. Resentments and fears seem to be universal triggers for all types of addiction. When we list these and talk through them with our sponsor, we begin to see some of our triggers more clearly.

Step 6 asks us to list our “defects of character” and become willing for God to remove them. As we write down our defects of character, we see things in ourselves that often lead to acting out. As we become more aware of resentments, fears, and defects of character, we can take action when they rear their ugly heads in our lives. Later in this post we’ll discuss some possible actions we can take.

Another very helpful tool that will help us identify our triggers is counseling. A professional counselor or therapist who specializes in working with addiction can be very good at listening to our stories and helping us see those things that have often led us to acting out. Awaken can refer you to many qualified therapists who can help with this (click for link). There are also intensive programs such as the Roots Retreat men’s and Roots Retreat women’s where a lot of work will be done to help identify triggers. I highly encourage anyone in recovery to get some sort of professional counseling.

Once we have identified our triggers, how do we deal with them without acting out? One terrific tool for helping with triggers is the Three Circles. This tool was developed by SAA and is outlined in their Green Book. The gist of the Three Circles is that we list our acting out behaviors in the inner circle of three concentric circles. In the middle circle, we list our triggers or any other behavior or situation that might move us toward acting out. In the outer circle, we list behaviors that help us in recovery – things we can do that uplift us physically, emotionally, or spiritually. To me, the middle circle is where our awareness should be when we are in recovery. When we find ourselves in a middle circle situation, that is the time to take action. We should call our sponsor, pray, or read some recovery literature (see the previous blog series on Daily CPR!). We can go to a meeting or find something in our outer circle to do. Taking positive action when we feel triggered is a critical part of recovery and something we must learn to do in order to stay healthy.

The Big Book also suggests in Step 10 that we take a daily inventory of ourselves. We are told to continually watch for “selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these come up, we ask God to at once remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.” That’s pretty clear, isn’t it? When we see our triggers come up, pray about it, talk to someone about it, make amends, then look for someone to help.

If you haven’t yet done the work to identify your triggers, I encourage you to do so as quickly as you can. Once you have the list, also make a plan for what to do when they come up. I hope that you find the suggestions in this post to be helpful to you today.

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Getting to the Roots

April 30, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, addiction, adultery, awaken, betrayal, brokenness, cheating, confession, connection, counseling, forgiveness, friendship, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, intensive, pornography, recovery, restoration, Roots Retreat, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Getting to the Roots

This post is about The Roots Retreat, Awaken’s therapeutic intensive weekend for men seeking recovery from addictive or unwanted sexual behavior. Our next men’s Roots Retreat is scheduled for June 4-7, 2020.

We also offer a Roots Retreat for women who have been sexually betrayed by their husbands/male partners. We’ll offer a post on the women’s retreat at a later date.

In early January 2009, my years-long sexual addiction secret was exposed, and I began a life journey of recovery. If you have not read or heard my story, you can catch up on that HERE.

In those early days of recovery, I learned a lot of new terms, phrases, and concepts. Now that my secret was in the light and I was working with a therapist and a sponsor, I began to soak in everything I could that would help me move forward.

Something I heard a lot about was the concept of “branches and roots.” For all the years I’d been trying to defeat my addiction on my own, my effort was almost exclusively focused on stopping what I was doing. “Stop looking at porn.” “Stop compulsively masturbating.” “Stop hooking up.” And while, of course, it was good for me to want to stop doing all those things, I realized later that I was trying to kill a tree by sawing off its branches.

All of the unwanted behaviors I was doing weren’t my real problem. They were evidence of my deeper problem. Something in my life was broken, wounded, sick, traumatized, and instead of ignoring or hiding those things, I needed to discover what they were. If my acting out behavior was the branches of a tree, then all my hidden brokenness was its roots.

Once I was able to identify those “root” areas of brokenness, I could see the connection between them and my eventual behavior. This was super-important in learning how to acknowledge the many contributors to addiction, while still taking ownership and responsibility for my own behavior and choices.

One way to get to the roots…

There’s another thing I’ve learned in my years of recovery. When a person is really ready for change, it can be helpful to take an immersive approach. What do I mean by that? Well, while working one-on-one with a therapist over weeks and months is a critical part of recovery, there are additional ways to do this work. One way is through attending a recovery intensive.

An intensive is an uninterrupted retreat in which an attendee works with therapists, volunteers, and other people in recovery over a short, but intense period of time. Instead of doing your therapy work one hour at a time over several months, you work on it solidly for about four days. This concentrated approach really helps a lot of people connect dots more quickly. The atmosphere of quiet and retreat from everyday life (no phones, computers, etc.) helps people to connect with and stay in their emotions, getting a lot done. People who attend intensives go home feeling much more in tune with where they’ve been, where they are, and where they want to go; and if they’re working with a therapist they have a clearer idea of their continuing path forward.

Awaken offers a four-day intensive for men called The Roots Retreat. The weekend helps them better understand how their addiction formed, how to take healthy responsibility, how to begin healing from their own trauma, and how to more healthily approach their marriages & other relationships. Men who attend work with multiple therapists and staff. The work is spiritually and emotionally challenging & intense, but can also be incredibly fulfilling and healing.

Since 2016, over 110 men have attended a Roots Retreat weekend, and for many of them it was exactly the catalyst they needed to help recovery take hold in their lives.

The Roots Retreat for men is offered three times a year, typically in February, June, and October. If you have been looking for a way to get unstuck and to experience more progress in your recovery, the Roots Retreat could be a solution for you.

To find out more about the Roots Retreat, click HERE. There are assistance options available for attendees with financial difficulties.

Greg Oliver struggled for years with an addiction to sex & porn. Since 2009 he has been on a journey of recovery. He and his wife Stacey founded Awaken as a way to walk with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders, and to help them experience healing in the midst of sexual brokenness. Awaken offers weekly recovery meetings, including virtual ones. Email us for more info.

Sobriety vs. Abstinence

February 3, 2020Awaken Blogabstinence, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, counseling, forgiveness, friendship, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, pornography, recovery, restoration, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, supportGreg

Sobriety vs. Abstinence

When working a program of recovery, one word that is spoken all the time is SOBRIETY. “Am I sober?” “How many days sober am I?” “I did _______…Do I need to reset my sobriety?”

What do we mean when we use that word? Is sobriety simply the absence of acting out behavior? If so, does that mean sobriety and abstinence are synonymous terms?

I believe there is a difference. While it may seem like splitting hairs, I think it’s important to draw and understand the distinction between the two. What would it look like if we thought of abstinence more as something we are trying to avoid; and of sobriety as something we try to pursue? What difference would that make in my perspective? In this way, abstinence – the avoiding of destructive or addictive behavior – becomes PART of my pursuit of sobriety.

Sobriety is not a new concept, nor one that is unique to addiction recovery. In fact, it’s quite biblical. The Bible talks several times* in the New Testament about being “sober-minded.” The way sobriety is described in the Bible shows us that sobriety means I’m alert, awake, and engaged. (*Romans 12:3; 1 Thessalonians 5:6; 1 Timothy 3:2; 2 Timothy 4:5; Titus 2:2; 1 Peter 1:13, 4:7, 5:8)

When I am living sober, I am able to anticipate and see attacks before they happen, so that they do not surprise or overwhelm me. When I am living sober, I can clearly see where I am going and I have the focus to keep moving toward that destination.

A member of Awaken’s men’s fellowship has written the following, to encourage us to meditate more on the distinctions. I hope it encourages you!

Abstinence is…giving up a behavior for a prescribed period of time.

Sobriety is…choosing a path of daily surrender for a lifetime.

Abstinence is…often enforced by external pressure.

Sobriety is…from an internal desire to do the next right thing.

Abstinence is…having something ripped away from us while we scratch and claw to get it back.

Sobriety is…gladly opening up our hand to give it up.

Abstinence is…a sprint.

Sobriety is…a marathon.

Abstinence is…something we do.

Sobriety is…something we become.

Abstinence is…a knock-down, drag-out fight in the dirt on a hot day.

Sobriety is…a walk along a beach with a light breeze blowing.

Abstinence is…something that we can’t wait to end.

Sobriety is…something that are grateful for every day.

Abstinence is…exhausting.

Sobriety is…refreshing.

Abstinence is…giving up something that we really want.

Sobriety is…changing what we want and how we want it.

Abstinence is…behavior changing.

Sobriety is…life changing.

Abstinence is…measured in weeks, months, or years.

Sobriety is…attained one day at a time.

Abstinence is…a chore.

Sobriety is…a gift.

– A grateful member of the Awaken community

Step One

January 22, 2020Awaken Blogawaken, brokenness, cheating, church, confession, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, love, pornography, recovery, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sponsor, Stacey Oliver, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Step One

We’re excited to begin to feature regular blog posts from a member of Awaken’s men’s recovery community. Our hope is that his posts will encourage and inspire you to believe recovery is possible, and to pursue it every day. Continue reading Step One →

Heaviness and Hope

December 4, 2019Awaken Blogaccountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, community, confession, counseling, fellowship, forgiveness, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, pornography, recovery, sex addiction, sexual addiction, supportGreg

Heaviness and Hope

I’m not going to lie…late Fall and early Winter is a tough time of year for me.

Some of it has to do with how overcast the sky is during the winter. Some of it has to do with the time change and getting dark at 5 pm. Continue reading Heaviness and Hope →

Recovery: A Spouse’s Experience, part 3 – What Life is Like Now

September 24, 2018Awaken Blogaddiction, adultery, awaken, betrayal, brokenness, cheating, confession, counseling, forgiveness, friendship, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, love, pornography, recovery, sex addiction, sexual addiction, Stacey Oliver, supportGreg

Recovery: A Spouse’s Experience, part 3 – What Life is Like Now

As this is published (in the Fall of 2018), my husband and I have been in recovery for over a year now. If you had told me then what my life would look like today, I wouldn’t have believed you. Continue reading Recovery: A Spouse’s Experience, part 3 – What Life is Like Now →

Recovery: A Spouse’s Experience, part 2 – The Road to Recovery

September 11, 2018Awaken Blogaddiction, adultery, awaken, betrayal, brokenness, cheating, confession, counseling, forgiveness, friendship, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, love, pornography, recovery, sex addiction, sexual addiction, Stacey Oliver, supportGreg

Recovery: A Spouse’s Experience, part 2 – The Road to Recovery

The sickening reality of betrayal can feel hopeless. After years of living in fear and anxiety, connected to my husband’s addiction, I became exhausted. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Continue reading Recovery: A Spouse’s Experience, part 2 – The Road to Recovery →

Recovery: A Spouse’s Experience, part 1 – What Life Was Like

September 3, 2018Awaken Blogaddiction, adultery, awaken, betrayal, brokenness, cheating, counseling, forgiveness, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, pornography, recovery, sex addiction, sexual addiction, Stacey Oliver, supportGreg

Recovery: A Spouse’s Experience, part 1 – What Life Was Like

What happened with my husband’s addiction was painful, hard, and unfair. My story may look and sound different than another person’s—circumstances can vary slightly or drastically. Continue reading Recovery: A Spouse’s Experience, part 1 – What Life Was Like →

The Keys to the Candy Store, Part 2

August 24, 2017Awaken Blogaddiction, adultery, awaken, betrayal, brokenness, cheating, church, counseling, forgiveness, God's love, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, leaders, pastors, pornography, sex addiction, sexual addictionGreg

The Keys to the Candy Store, Part 2

In our last post we began looking at the unintentional damage that takes place in many pastors’ offices, when wives of porn/sex addicts are encouraged that their husbands’ problems might get better if only they were more sexually available. The first two things ministry leaders who counsel couples need to understand about sexual addiction are:

Continue reading The Keys to the Candy Store, Part 2 →