Tag Archives: recovery

Step Three

March 23, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, addiction, brokenness, confession, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, love, pornography, recovery, restoration, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Stacey Oliver, Step Three, Twelve StepsGreg

Step Three

Last week, I wrote that steps 1 through 3 of the Twelve Steps are the “Made a Decision” steps and the rest of the steps are the “Take Action” steps. (See the entire post here.) Let’s dig a little deeper into the last of these “Made a Decision” steps and see what we find. Step 3 says that we “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” Let’s break it down…

Made a Decision to…

At some point early in our recovery process, we drew a line in the sand. Our lives were unmanageable and we knew we needed help from God to change. For some of us, this decision came in a time of crisis – our world was falling apart and we had reached rock bottom. We could not continue to live like we were living. For others, this decision came from an awareness of our behavior and the direction we were going and a recognition that this was not the path we wanted our lives to follow. In either case, we reached a point that we decided to do something about our behavior. So what did we decide to do?

…turn our will…

Whether we knew it or not, our behavior stemmed from a faulty thought-process – or as our brothers and sisters in AA say, “stinkin’ thinkin’”. We had beliefs about ourselves that were not true and we had cultivated patterns of thinking that led us to acting out even when the thoughts themselves were not directly related to acting out. We lived in fear, anger, resentment, or self-pity. And we were convinced that acting out would help to make us feel better. And in the moment, sometimes they did make us feel better. But they also took over our lives and eventually, the wheels fell off. So, we had to learn to turn these faulty thought-processes over to God. We had to learn to let these thoughts go when they came into our heads. We had to learn to be thankful instead of resentful, and helpful to others instead of full of fear and self-pity. This is what it means to “turn our will” over to God. And the rest of the 12 steps help us to learn how to do these things.

…and our lives…

Not only did we need to change our way of thinking, we also needed to change our behaviors. We had habitually acted on the faulty thought processes and turned those into a regular way of life. We had been dishonest with ourselves and with others. And we had hurt a lot of people in the process – including ourselves. Instead of acting on our feelings and desires in a destructive manner, we needed to learn how to “do the next right thing”. We needed to learn to stop trying to manipulate outcomes and instead to figure out the next right thing to do – and do it! We needed to turn our lives over to our Higher Power. And the rest of the 12 steps help us learn how to do this as well.

…over to the care of God…

Turning our lives and wills over to the care of God means that we cannot do this all by ourselves. Our own thinking and decision making has led us to do things that have caused a lot of harm. We needed to learn to trust God by letting go of our old thought-patterns and choosing to do the next right thing. Finding the help to do this involves prayer, meditation, meetings, phone calls, and reading. It involves taking life one day at a time by not dwelling on the past or living in fear of the future. And it involves finding a sponsor to help us walk this path – another person who has turned their life and will over to the care of God.

…as we understood Him.

The 12 Steps are designed to show a lot of grace to the different religious backgrounds that each of us bring to recovery. And I have seen that they work very well regardless of what we believe (or don’t believe) when we start this journey. The 12 Steps represent a spiritual journey of action and it is very likely that our belief and understanding of God will change to some degree throughout the process. This does not suggest we will reject everything we’ve ever believed. Many of us come to understand that the God we’ve believed in/about isn’t really God, but rather an image we’ve created about God, connected to someone else’s influence. If we open our heart to the idea that change is possible, and if we take action to allow that change to take place in our lives, we will find a new life of serenity and awareness that we never knew was possible. And we can experience God differently, in a way that is more genuine and secure.

One last thought:

While Step 3 is described like a one-time decision that we made early on in our recovery, my sponsor once told me that steps 1, 2, and 3 should be worked every day. It might be really easy for me to turn my life and will over to God one day, but then the next day, not make that decision. But if I wake up each morning and recognize my own powerlessness, acknowledge my need for help, and try to do the next right thing, I tremendously increase my chances of being sober that day. I challenge you to start your day by praying or meditating on steps 1, 2, and 3. It just might help you to stay sober!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Grace and Effort (not mutually exclusive)

March 17, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, addiction, awaken, brokenness, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Grace and Effort (not mutually exclusive)

Question: There were once three frogs sitting on a log. One of them made a decision to jump in the water. How many frogs were left on the log?

Answer: Three – the frog made a decision, but he took no action!

Working a program of recovery is a lot like the story of the frogs. We can make all the decisions we want, but until we take some action to get healthy, nothing will change. Steps 1 through 3 of the 12 Steps are the “made a decision” steps. We realized we were powerless, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could help, and made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood him. If all we do is work these three steps, we are the frog who made a decision to jump in the water, but ended up staying on the log. Steps 4 through 12 is where action really comes into play. We write down a moral inventory and share it with another person. We identify defects of character and ask God to remove them. We list people we have harmed and we make amends. And we work to maintain sobriety through prayer and meditation and working with others. We also attend meetings and make phone calls and work with therapists to dig into the causes of our behavior. This is the effort that we put forth when we work a program of recovery, and I don’t believe that we can recover without these actions.

But there is also a big part of recovery where we let go and let God, the “Power greater than ourselves,” give us gifts that we cannot get on our own. Christians call this grace. When we let go of our need to control an outcome and just do the next right thing, we are trusting in the grace of God. When we “accept the things we cannot change” and find the “wisdom to know the difference” between things we can change and things we can’t, we are trusting in the grace of God. When we experience the 9th Step Promises, we are experiencing grace. When our sponsor reminds us that working recovery is about progress rather than perfection, we are receiving grace. There are many gifts of recovery that are given to us as we work the program – things that we cannot get on our own. All of these fall into the category of grace and I don’t believe that we can recover without this grace.

I’ll leave you with the words of James: “What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” – James 2: 14-17

May your effort work hand-in-hand with faith in God and His grace, as you work your program today!

– A grateful member of the Awaken community

Self-Care is NOT Selfish, part 2

March 12, 2020Awaken Blogaddiction, awaken, boundaries, brokenness, confession, forgiveness, friendship, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, restoration, self care, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, Stacey Oliver, supportGreg

Self-Care is NOT Selfish, part 2

I mentioned in my last post that early in my recovery from sexual addiction I realized I needed to consider a shift in my thinking about self-care. Every message I’d been taught or had held reinforced a consistent message. Self-care is selfish. Don’t think about yourself. Think about others. Teaching from trusted authority figures doubled down on a message of “dying to self.”

Then I began to realize this was not actually a biblical model. If I am in Christ, then my “self” is not who it used to be. My current self is someone whom God has “raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavens in Christ Jesus…” (Ephesians 2:6). This self is someone with value, someone worth caring for.

With this in mind, what are some important concepts to consider regarding self-care? There are many more, but for this pose I’m going to focus on three:

FIND OUT WHAT FILLS YOUR TANK (AKA “What kind of eggs do I like?”).

Remember the movie “Runaway Bride?” Julia Roberts moved from fiancée to fiancée, never actually following through with a wedding. She’d get right to that point and would bail every time. The movie eventually revealed that one of her problems was that she was adapting her personality to fit the man she was with, because she didn’t really know who she was, what she liked, or what she needed. She was not a secure individual, and would never be able to be a healthy partner in a secure relationship.

Each relationship she had in the movie was characterized by the former fiancée being asked how Julia’s character liked her eggs. Every man had a different answer. In the end she realized she had no idea how she liked her eggs, and she wouldn’t be fulfilled or complete until she figured it out.

Many of us don’t know “how we like our eggs” either. A lot of people, when first considering self-care, have a hard time because they don’t know what they like. They don’t know what makes them feel alive. This is particularly true when recovering from addiction. Addicts have spent so much time withdrawing from others and from really living life and going deeper into the cave of addiction, they often don’t know what they love or enjoy. Joy has not been very present in their lives for a long time. This is also true for partners of addicts. In many cases, their lives have been spent trying to make their marriage work or keep their partner happy, to the detriment of their own emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual needs.

It is important for people in recovery to figure out what gives us life, joy, and energy. Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), has an incredibly helpful exercise called The Three Circles (click link for info). Three concentric circles are drawn. The innermost circle contains a list of “bottom-line” behaviors, actions that are always harmful, sinful, addictive, etc. The middle of the three circles contains questionable behaviors; while not necessarily wrong, they are often connected to a ritual that ends in acting-out behavior. Whenever these middle-circle behaviors are present, it’s wise to ask oneself what’s going on, and to make an adjustment.

While a lot of people see this exercise primarily as a way to identify addictive or dangerous behavior, those are only two of the three circles addressed. The third circle is the largest and arguably the most important. The outer circle contains a list of good, healthy, life-giving, recovery-encouraging behaviors that should fill a recovering person’s life. These are things that fill, not empty, our tanks. Activities don’t have to be overtly recovery activities (therapy, support group meetings, meeting with a sponsor, etc.), although these are important and necessary. Other “outer-circle” behaviors can include getting enough sleep, exercise, healthy eating, playing or listening to music, taking a walk, spending time with friends, reading/studying the Bible, connecting with God in prayer, healthy sexual connection with spouse, reserving some “alone time…” You get the picture. When drawing the three circles, the outer circle is the largest and has the most space because it’s these behaviors we want filling our lives.

If you struggle to know what actions would represent self-care for you, it might be a good start to do the Three Circles exercise for yourself!

WHEN CARING FOR OTHERS, DON’T FORGET TO CARE FOR YOURSELF.

Ugh. This is a tough one for me. I’m a helper. Just ask my Enneagram test. I thrive on helping and caring for other people. Whenever helpers see someone hurting, we want to do absolutely anything and everything we can to help alleviate that hurt and to lead that person to safety.

Helping other people is a core part of recovery. When we work through the Twelve Steps, the last one talks about how we give back and help others. We have had a spiritual awakening through the process, and now we have the opportunity to be part of how others have their awakening. While the ability to help other people is a gift (and to a degree a responsibility) for recovering people, it’s important not to neglect our own needs while trying to be the vessel for meeting the needs of others.

Stacey and I attended a workshop training a couple of years ago, put on by People of the Second Chance (click to visit) and featuring Mike and Jennifer Foster. The workshop was focused on developing skills as a caregiver, and one of the sessions zoomed in on the importance of self-care especially while caring for others. Listen to what Mike had to say…

“Think about your heart and soul like a canteen. Inside this canteen is a week’s worth of water. As you go out to serve and help people, the rule after each activity is this: You’ve got to drink some water from your canteen. Every encounter you have requires you to take some amount of water from your water bottle.

“Some of the people you help will, honestly, be really easy. No sweat, and you’ll just have to take a small sip of water and you’re ready to go help someone else. But sometimes, helping hurting people is really hard and it gets really hot and humid, and the conversation is grueling and emotions from the situation are boiling over.

“Helping some people is a total cakewalk, while helping others feels like a 100-mile journey through Death Valley. So, when you’re walking with people through Death Valley, you need a lot more water. But here’s the problem. Your canteen only holds so much water. And if you don’t stop and fill it up every so often, you’re going to run out of water. And then you burn out, you burn up, you’re cooked, your heart is fried. And now you’re the one needing to be rescued.”

If we really love caring for other people, we have to understand that self-care is an important part of how we do that.

BOUNDARIES ARE NOT BAD.

Sometimes we have to say “no.” We all have a limited amount of time, and a limited amount of mental and emotional energy. Most of us have more people and situations fighting for a share of that energy than we have to spare. We can’t do it all, even if we’d like to. Sometimes we have to say “no” to certain things.

This is really hard for people in recovery. Many recovering people carry a level of shame over what we’ve done, and that translates into a sense of obligation to agree to anything and everything that’s asked of us. While it’s definitely important to be humble and agreeable, especially to our spouses and other people we’ve harmed the most, we don’t want duty or obligation to be the only motivation for why we say “yes” to things.

Boundaries are a very important aspect of self-care, because they reinforce that we – not just other people – have value and a good soul that needs to be nurtured. Sometimes the need to protect a night and stay home to recharge is more important than the thing another person is asking you to do, even if that thing is a good thing. But saying “no” to good things is sometimes necessary to experience even better things.

Be aware, though, that not everyone understands, validates, or respects boundaries. Sometimes people who don’t “do” boundaries make you feel like a villain for having them. When your boundaries are challenged, or when people tell you your boundaries feel like punishment, that good boundaries aren’t for the purpose of punishing the people you say “no” to. Good boundaries are for self-protection, which (like I mentioned in the last point) will ultimately make service and sacrifice even better; because it will be coming from a healthier place.

So, if you – like me – have struggled to accept the validity or acceptability of self-care, I hope these posts have encouraged and invited you to look at the concept a little differently. Self-care is a good thing, a godly thing, and a necessary step to take in recovery and in life.

Greg Oliver was a worship pastor for 15 years before his secret addiction to pornography and sex was exposed in 2009. Since then he has been on a journey of recovery, discovering his true identity and experiencing God’s grace like never before. He and his wife Stacey founded Awaken as a way to walk with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders, and to help them experience healing in the midst of sexual brokenness.

Self-Care is NOT Selfish (part 1)

When I first entered recovery in 2009, I started to hear a lot of people talk about self-care. My therapist talked about it. The men in recovery meetings talked about it. Authors of books I read talked about it. Self-care seemed pretty important.

That created a bit of a mini-crisis for me. Because self-care went against most everything I’d ever been taught by every spiritual authority figure throughout my entire life. So, yeah, there was a bit of a hurdle to get over.

Here are some of the messages that have indoctrinated me over the course of my life. Maybe you can relate to some of them.

“Anything you do that includes the word ‘self’ is not from God.”

“Self-care is self-ISH.”

“The only thing Scripture says about self is that you’re supposed to die to it!”

“Focusing on yourself keeps you from focusing on others.”

All these points are very compelling, except for one small detail. They’re all wrong. My years in recovery have not just been about recovering from sexual addiction. They’ve also been about recovering from false beliefs that created despair and contributed to my destructive behavior.

So, what does Scripture say about “self?”

In Mark chapter 12:28-31 we read…

One of the scribes approached. When he heard them debating and saw that Jesus answered them well, he asked him, “Which command is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other command greater than these.”

If we want to get good advice, maybe taking it straight from the Savior’s mouth is a good strategy. Jesus gave us three distinct directives on who we are to love: God, ourselves, and our neighbors. We are to love God with absolutely everything we are: our emotions (heart), our spiritual selves (soul), our intellect (mind), and through our obedience (strength). And we are to love our neighbors, yes. But not just any general way. How are we to love our neighbors? As we love ourselves. If I don’t love myself, how can I love my neighbor?

And let’s not forget to mention the numerous times in the gospels when Jesus retreated from the crowds and the busyness of Him ministry. Why did He do this? Because Jesus knew that even He needed to care for Himself. He needed times of refreshing, of quiet solitude, times to relax. He was fully God, but He was also fully human, and even Jesus needed to recharge His batteries sometimes.

OK, but what about “dying to self?”

Great question. What about that? Where in Scripture does the concept of “dying to self” show up? I have a confession: it was a lot of years into my life as a Christian and even my years of pastoral ministry before I realized “die to self” never shows up in the Bible. Don’t believe me? Check for yourself.

Well, what about Galatians 2:20, or Galatians 5:24-25, or how about Romans 6:1-5?

OK, let’s take a look at those Scriptures…

Galatians 2:20 (CSB)“I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Galatians 5:24-25 (CSB) “Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.”

Romans 6:1-5 (CSB) “What should we say then? Should we continue in sin so that grace may multiply? Absolutely not! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Or are you unaware that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? Therefore we were buried with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too may walk in newness of life.”

Do you know what I notice in these passages? A lot of talk about death. So, it makes sense why these are some of the many passages cited when promoting the concept of “dying to self.” It’s just that I think we’ve forgotten one very important point when we read these passages.

The flesh is NOT my “self” anymore.

Because of what Jesus has done, and through my trust in Him, I have already died to self completely. Paul tells us beautifully in 2 Corinthians 5:17 (CSB)…

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, and see, the new has come!”

As a believer I’m not called to die to self. I’m called to stop acting like a dead man and to start living as my new self. Warming up to this concept makes ALL the difference in SO many ways!

There’s more to say about healthy self-care, as it pertains to an addiction recovery journey. But I wanted to first establish a biblical baseline that allows us to embrace self-care as not only “not wrong,” but actually something that honors Christ (and that He Himself did). In our next post, we’ll talk about some practical implications of self-care in recovery.

We believe that for recovery to happen God must do “for us what we could not do for ourselves.” A huge part of how He does this is through the encouragement, fellowship, and help of other people in our lives. When we start looking at what other people’s help looks like, the word sponsorship begins to come up a lot. Many who are new in the recovery process hear that word and have questions. Why is sponsorship important? What does a good sponsor look like? How do I go about finding a sponsor? When should I get a sponsor?

Let’s unpack some of these questions…

WHY? The Importance of Sponsorship: I believe that the most effective path to healing from addictive behavior is by working the 12 Steps as laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This program of recovery has guided millions of people from addiction to serenity in the last 100 years. Yet many of us come into recovery with no idea what the 12 Steps are all about and what it looks like to “work the steps”. In order to find out, we need someone to show us the way. Someone who has been guided on this journey by someone who has been guided on this journey by someone who has been guided on this journey…well, I think you get the point! We need someone who can share their experience, strength, and hope with us when we are not sure what to do next. We need someone who knows our story and is willing to listen to our day-to-day struggles and successes. Without this guidance and support on arguably the most important journey of our life, we will wander aimlessly and have very little chance of reaching our goal.

There’s one other reason that sponsorship is important. When we ask someone to sponsor us, we are also helping them work their program of recovery. Step 12 says that “having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts”. I always thank my sponsor for their time after a call, and one of my sponsors used to always say “thank you for helping me work my program.” It was cool to know that he was helping me, but I was also helping him.

WHO? What an effective sponsor looks like: When explaining the recommended way to share our Step 5 with another person, the Big Book recommends “someone who will understand, yet be unaffected.” (←click to read more) I believe this applies to our sponsor as well. Our sponsor should be someone who understands the choices we have made and has made similar choices in their own walk. And this person should not be upset or offended when we are rigorously honest with them about the choices we have made.

Next, this person should be further along the 12-step path than we are. It would be really hard for someone to show us the way on a path that they have not been on themself. I don’t think they necessarily need to have worked all 12 steps, but if they haven’t, they should be farther along the path than we are. And they should have something that we want – some amount of sobriety or serenity that we are looking for. It doesn’t make much sense to ask someone to help us if they don’t have something that we want.

Finally, our sponsor should be someone that we are comfortable sharing with and someone that we are comfortable taking advice from. When we ask someone to sponsor us, we are agreeing that we will share some things with this person that we might have never shared with another person. We need to trust that this person will handle our story with care, kindness, and confidence. We also need to be OK taking advice from that person. A good sponsor will ask us to do certain things to work our program. They will also make suggestions when we call and check in with them. We need to respect our sponsor enough to at least try the suggestions they give us – remember, they have something we want and they know a path to get there!

WHERE? HOW? Suggestions for Finding a Sponsor: To find a sponsor, we first need to go where sponsors are likely to be – recovery meetings! Choose a meeting that works with your schedule and start attending regularly. If you want to get a sponsor and start working the steps immediately, ask the meeting facilitator to help connect you with a temporary sponsor. A temporary sponsor can get you started on working a program of recovery, but may not be your sponsor for the long-term.

Once you have attended several meetings, hopefully you will start to see at least one or two people who meet most of the criteria described above. Once you identify these folks, just take one aside after the meeting and ask them to sponsor you. It’s pretty simple! That person may not agree to be your sponsor, and if that’s the case, keep looking until you are able to find someone. When you see the Step 9 Promises (←click to read more) start to happen in your life, you will know it was worth the effort!

WHEN? The Timing for Finding a Sponsor: Sponsorship is a critical part of your recovery journey. Most of us cannot do this alone. If you have recognized that you are powerless and that your life is unmanageable, now is the time to find a sponsor. If you have been attending meetings for a while but feel like your recovery is stagnant, now is the time to find a sponsor. If you are new to the program and are not sure what to do, now is the time to find a sponsor. Regardless of where you are in your journey, having a trusted guide is essential to success in recovery.

– A grateful member of the Awaken community

Tag Archives: recovery

Step Three

Grace and Effort (not mutually exclusive)

Self-Care is NOT Selfish, part 2

Self-Care is NOT Selfish, part 2

Self-Care is NOT Selfish (part 1)

Self-Care is NOT Selfish (part 1)

For Me, or For Others? (What’s My Motivation for Sobriety?)

Active Surrender

Active Surrender

Finding a Sponsor

Sobriety vs. Abstinence

Sobriety vs. Abstinence

Gifts of Recovery

Gifts of Recovery

Step One

Heaviness and Hope

Heaviness and Hope

Who Cares What I Think About Kanye?

Who Cares What I Think About Kanye?