Tag Archives: recovery

Perspective

October 26, 2020Awaken Blogaddiction, awaken, brokenness, forgiveness, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, Jesus, mercy, porn addiction, recovery, sex addiction, sexual addiction, shameGreg

Perspective

Sitting in the worship service with my church yesterday, I had a realization. It was during the pastor’s sermon. He was making a point about how no matter what sin or error a believer has committed, we have a Savior who understand, advocates, made provision, and gives grace. This is the passage he quoted, from Hebrews 4…

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens—Jesus the Son of God—let us hold fast to our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16, CSB)

An Old Perspective:

Reading through the passage, there are lots of reasons for Christians to find hope. And while that’s true, as we were reading through the passage together, there was one more phrase that stood out to me. When I noticed it, it took me back to a long season in my life, when I lived in active sexual addiction, secrecy, and sin. It reminded me of the perspective through which – for years – I read Scripture and related to God. The phrase was…

“…yet without sin.”

When addiction affected my perspective on Scripture, this is how it did it. Despite all the amazing, encouraging, life-giving truths found in those three verses in Hebrews, here’s what I heard when I read the phrase, “…yet without sin.”

“That’s right, loser. Jesus was tempted just like you were. But unlike you, a complete failure who can never get it right, Jesus was without sin. You’re such a screw-up, and you will never be like Jesus. You suck.”

You might wonder how anyone can laser in on three words (“…yet without sin”) and get so sidetracked. But that is the nature of addiction. It changes a person’s perspective, and there’s one word that tells us how it does it.

Shame.

When I was in active addiction, I had no idea how much shame controlled my perspective on most everything. While I was definitely guilty of all the sin I was committing and hiding, what I felt most of the time wasn’t guilt. It was shame.

You may have heard before the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is about what you did. Shame is about who you are. Shame is what happens when I look at what I’ve done, and make it a reflection of who I am.

It’s the difference between “I screwed up” and “I’m a screw-up.”

A New Perspective:

Sitting in the service yesterday, I was almost twelve years post the time when my sin and addiction were exposed. I was in a place where, for almost twelve years, I have experienced grace, the gospel, Scripture, and my relationship with God from a place of freedom and recovery. I realized that this freedom has given me a new perspective.

Jesus “has been tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin.” He didn’t screw up like we screw up. He didn’t fail where we fail. But instead of taking this and feeling more shameful about myself, here was my realization…

From his position of perfection, Jesus doesn’t take the difference between his holiness and my sinfulness and use it to keep me at a distance. He doesn’t shake his head or fold his arms in disappointment of how many times I get it wrong. He doesn’t ever tell me I ought to be ashamed of myself.

Jesus doesn’t use his perfection to rub my face in my imperfection.

Here’s what he does do. He sympathizes with what it’s like to be weak (like we are). He understands what we go through, because he’s been there. He sits at the right hand of God the Father, and when our enemy shows up to accuse us (truthfully) of all the horrible things we’ve done, Jesus defends us to the Father as righteous. Because we are righteous. Because of what he did on the cross, and by rising from the dead. From his exalted position, he gives us mercy (holding back the punishment we deserve) and grace (giving us blessings we don’t deserve) when we need it (which is every day).

He can do all these things because he was (and is) “without sin.” And he reminds me that if I will surrender to him, he will daily, gradually, progressively make me more like him. I won’t ever be “without sin” in this life, but I can definitely see and experience progress as he changes me and brings me closer to the life where I will be without sin.

My old perspective caused me to focus only on myself, my isolation, and my inevitable continuing failure. My new perspective lets me see Jesus as he really is…without sin, but with love, understanding, acceptance, generosity, and an abundance of absolutely everything I will ever need.

May you live with that perspective today!

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to join our meetings (in person or virtual), contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Step Seven

July 22, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, addiction, awaken, brokenness, church, confession, counseling, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, love, pornography, recovery, restoration, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, Twelve StepsGreg

Step Seven

“Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings”

Now that we have listed the defects of character that drive our acting out behavior (Step 6), it is once again time to ask God’s help in our recovery. This step is similar to Step 3 in that the Big Book outlines a specific prayer that is recommended:

“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.”

Praying this prayer from the heart has no doubt helped many addicts over the years. But my sponsor took it one step farther. We met together for about 2 hours one day and prayed this prayer for every individual character defect that was on my list – all 26 of them! Together, we talked through my list and after each defect I prayed the prayer above, replacing “every single defect of character” with the specific defect that we were discussing. It took some time, but it was worth it.

My sponsor also suggested a daily practice around Step 7 that I have found very useful. In my daily prayers and meditations (Step 11), he suggested that I examine the day before or the day ahead, and consider the top 2 or 3 character defects that happen to be near the surface. Maybe something happened the day before that put one of my defects on full display. Or maybe there is an upcoming event that I know could trigger one of my defects. When I identify my top 2 or 3 for the day, he recommended that I pray through those. As I mentioned in my post on Step 6, often God will remove a character defect, only to have me snatch it back the next day. Praying through my top 2 or 3 defects daily, makes this less likely to happen. It also gives me an awareness of things to look out for as I go through my day.

I have found that practicing Step 7 on a regular basis has been one of the most helpful parts of all of the 12 Steps when it comes to my day-to-day walk. It helps me to deal with underlying feelings and emotions in a healthy manner. It gives me something to check in with my sponsor, even when my sobriety is strong. And it helps me see the things that could lead to acting out and stop them before it becomes a problem.

May you have the willingness to ask God to remove every single defect of character in your life, today!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

One Day at a Time

July 19, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, restoration, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Stacey Oliver, support, Twelve StepsGreg

One Day at a Time

I have a 20-year old privacy fence around my backyard. The posts and rails are in good shape but the boards have been breaking and cracking and detaching over the years. One of my “pandemic projects” has been to replace all of the boards on the fence. I have spent many hot and sweaty hours replacing boards on this fence. It seemed like an immense amount of work and after a particularly long session this past weekend, I stepped back and took a look. Much to my dismay, I still have a long way to go!

I could have gotten discouraged thinking “I have done all of this work and there are still SO MANY boards that have to be replaced.” But then I realized that this project is very similar to my recovery process. I am rebuilding my fence one board at a time.

My recovery works the same way – I recover from addiction one day at a time. If I step back and look at how long it will take me to complete my fence (or my recovery), it’s overwhelming. But if I stay focused on the board that I’m working on, the job seems pretty easy. Pull a board out and replace it. Pull another board out and replace it. Not that hard at all.

My recovery is the same way – I just need to focus on today. Focus on the things that I can do that will allow God to work in my life today. Call someone. Go to a meeting. Read scripture. Pray. Meditate.

Today.

In Alcoholics Anonymous (and other similar fellowships), when someone takes a “one-year” sobriety chip, many times they are asked: “How’d ya do it?”. And the traditional answer is “One day at a time.” It’s always a beautiful moment. I don’t need to worry about tomorrow or next week or next year. I need to focus on today. Do the right things that will help me to recover today. Focus on the board right in front of me. And then one day, I will look up and my fence will be repaired and healthy.

* DISCLAIMER: I am not a handyman. If you read the story of my fence and laughed because you could repair the whole fence in one afternoon, more power to you! And, please give me a call, because I sure could use your help!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Step Six

June 22, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, church, confession, connection, counseling, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, restoration, self care, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Stacey Oliver, Step Six, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Step Six

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

One of my favorite phrases in the Big Book of A.A. comes after the description of Step 5. The passage says “Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last.” To me this means that the hard work we have done so far has laid the foundation for fundamental changes in our lives. We are moving from a constant battle against addiction (“white-knuckling”, if you will) to life of serenity and gratitude. We are getting to the roots of our addiction, not just the behaviors, but the underlying flaws in our character that have manifested themselves in our acting out. This milestone is where a spiritual awakening really begins to happen for many of us.

Willingness to be rid of our character defects is crucial. If we are not willing to change, we are just giving lip-service to this step. The Big Book even suggests that we ask God for willingness: “If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.” Hopefully, the work we’ve done in the first 5 steps will open our eyes enough to see where these defects of character have gotten us, but if we want to hang on to some, ask for willingness.

The action part of this step is to make a list of our character defects. It is sometimes helpful to go back and re-read our Step 1 and Step 4 writings and think about them through the lens of character defects. We look at our moral inventory for things like selfishness, manipulation, codependency, or a poor self-image. When making this list, try not to confuse deep human needs with character defects. For example, we all have the need for connection with others. That is not a defect of character. But manipulating people as part of those connections may be a flaw in our character. A therapist or a sponsor who knows our story can be really helpful in identifying defects that we may not see in ourselves. Intensive therapy sessions, such as the Roots Retreat offered by Awaken, can be helpful in this area as well.

One thing that I have found with my character defects is that they require daily surrender. One of my most memorable recovery meetings was a discussion of Step 6 and a brother in the program said “Sometimes, God will take away one of my character defects, and the next day, I take it right back!” That really stuck with me as a reminder that these flaws in my character do come back from time-to-time and that I need to surrender them each time they come up. Like many of the steps, being willing for God to remove character defects is not a one-time event – it is something we practice every day.

Another thing that I have found is that as I work on my character defects, it is a lot like peeling back an onion. There are layers to my character defects that I didn’t see when I made my initial list. And I’m quite sure that there are layers that I don’t see now that I will need to address as I continue to peel back the layers. All of this talk about onions and layers reminds me of my favorite scene from the movie “Shrek.” I’ll leave you with these words of wisdom from an ogre and a talking donkey:

Shrek: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.

Donkey: Example?

Shrek: Example? Okay, er… ogres… are… like onions.

Donkey: [sniffs onion] They stink?

Shrek: Yes…NO!

Donkey: Or they make you cry.

Shrek: No!

Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they get all brown and start sproutin’ little white hairs.

Shrek: NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers… you get it. We both have layers.

Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKE! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!

Shrek: [restraining temper] I don’t care… what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes!

May you begin to peel back the layers on your character defects today!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Developing a Sobriety/Recovery Plan

June 2, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, counseling, forgiveness, friendship, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, self care, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Developing a Sobriety/Recovery Plan

In any endeavor in life, whether it is business or personal, the chances of success go up significantly when there is a good plan in place and that plan is followed. You may have heard the phrase “plan the work and work the plan”. Recovery from addiction is no exception to this rule. Some might be able to find sobriety without a good, solid plan, but most will not. So what does a good plan for recovery look like? In my experience, those who find sobriety and serenity generally incorporate each of the following elements as a part of their recovery plan. There is certainly more that could constitute your plan, but these are some of the fundamentals of recovery.

Meetings

A critical part of recovery is understanding that we are not alone and that there is hope. Attending meetings regularly helps us to see that we are not the only person in the world who has struggled with addiction. It also allows us to meet others who share our struggles but have found a path to sobriety. A good recovery meeting will be a place where we hear “experience, strength, and hope” from others who have walked this path before us. It is also a place where we can share our own experience, strength, and hope. The relationships that we form in these meetings will hopefully lead to people that we can call when we are triggered or need guidance. They can also lead to sponsorship – another critical element of a good recovery plan.

Therapy/Counseling

Many addicts have wounds from trauma in their lives. Professional counselling and therapy is a great way to address this trauma and learn how to cope with it. I recommend seeing a professional therapist who specializes in sex addiction and I also recommend some form of intensive counseling, such as the Roots Retreat offered by Awaken. Our addiction has a mental health component – the Big Book refers to it as “insanity” – and professional help is generally a big part of the recovery process.

Phone Calls

Staying in regular contact with friends in a recovery program is very helpful when we find ourselves triggered or need advice on what to do in a particular situation. As we attend meetings, many of us exchange phone numbers with friends that we meet so that we’ll have a list of people to call. I recommend that you have at least 5 people in your list of recovery friends that you can call. If the first person on your list can’t take your call, move to the next person on your list. And don’t just wait until you are in a tough situation to call. Exercise those thumb muscles and call regularly, even when you are having a great day. Getting in the habit of calling friends in recovery will make it much easier to call when you find yourself triggered.

Sponsorship & The 12 Steps

Most of the people that I know who have found long-term sobriety have done so by working the 12 Steps with a sponsor – and continuing to work them on a daily basis. This simple program (yes, it’s simple, but it’s not easy!) outlines a plan of surrender (steps 1 -3), action (steps 4 – 9), and daily maintenance (steps 10 – 12) that will almost always lead to a spiritual awakening and freedom from addiction. As you attend meetings, look for someone that “has what you want” when it comes to recovery. Then ask them if they would consider being your sponsor. If they say “yes”, call or meet with them regularly and follow their advice as much as possible. If they say “no”, keep looking for someone else who has what you want.

Work the Plan

Now that you have a plan in place, it’s time to take action. Making a plan is only part of the job. Start doing the things in your plan. Work on it every day. Recovery doesn’t come easy – do the work and let God begin working on you!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Step 5

May 26, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, counseling, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, love, pornography, recovery, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Step 5

In my last blog post, we discussed the topic of honesty and how it helps us to become sober (and also how sobriety helps us with our honesty!). And while honesty is part of all 12 steps, the fifth step is all about honesty. When we admit the exact nature of our wrongs to God, to ourselves, and especially to another human being, our honesty is put to the test. The Big Book also references two other traits that are required when we work Step 5: humility and fearlessness. Let’s take a closer look at these.

Through the course of our lives, many of us have developed a pride that has us convinced that we don’t need anyone’s help for anything. But when we walk into our first recovery meeting, that pride begins to crumble. When we ask someone to sponsor us as we work the steps, we are reaching out for help. When we admit that we are powerless over our addictive behavior and acknowledge that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity, we start to learn humility. And this humility matures when we tell another person our whole story in Step 5.

Opening ourselves up to another person and telling our story requires fearlessness as well. Many of us have lived in fear of what others would think of us if they found out what we were really like. We had lived in fear of the consequences of getting caught. And these are valid fears. Our actions do have consequences and other people’s opinions of us could very likely change. And for many of us, these things have already happened, which is why we started coming to meetings in the first place. But even if we haven’t been caught, we still must be fearless and take this step.

So, who is the other human being that I am going to share this with? How do I pick this person? The Big Book uses the phrase “…someone who will understand, yet be unaffected.” Don’t confuse this step with a disclosure to a spouse or a loved one. A disclosure can be an important part of healing a relationship, but that is not the same as working Step 5. The whole “yet be unaffected” part of that statement tells us that our Step 5 should be shared with someone whom we have not hurt. This person could be a sponsor or someone we respect in our recovery program. It could be a doctor or a therapist. It could be a priest or a pastor. Personally, I recommend sharing this with your sponsor who has presumably already worked with you on Steps 1 through 4.

The Big Book uses one other phrase that I would like to highlight. When we take this step, we have already written our inventory and are “prepared for a long talk.” I recommend setting aside two hours or so. I also recommend finding a place that will be free from interruptions. This can be a difficult conversation and you don’t want to have to keep starting over, so plan the time and the place carefully.

I want to leave you with some words of hope from the Big Book – things that happen after we have worked this step. “Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.”

Whether you have worked Step 5 or are planning to work Step 5, may you find that delight and peace and ease!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Honesty

May 12, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, counseling, forgiveness, friendship, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, honesty, pornography, recovery, restoration, self care, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Honesty

I don’t know what the reverse of a “catch-22” is officially called, but when it comes to honesty and sobriety, their relationship is a “reverse catch-22”. Being honest helps me to stay sober, and staying sober helps me to be honest.

There’s a saying, “All addicts are liars,” and while this certainly holds some truth, the fact is many addicts are generally honest people except when it comes to their addiction.

Shame and fear can turn an honest man into a liar pretty quickly.

Rigorous honesty is a critical component of recovery. Working the 12 Steps helps us put this honesty into practice. We find a sponsor and are able to check in with them when we are in our middle circle. We make a “fearless and searching moral inventory” and then we share it with another person (Steps 4 and 5). We are honest about our character defects (Step 6) and we are honest about who we have hurt (Step 8). We look for dishonesty in ourselves with a daily inventory (Step 10).

With the help of a therapist, many of us disclose our behavior to our spouse or our family. We are honest about our family of origin as we dig into our own personal trauma. By doing these things with rigorous honesty, we learn to be honest about the things that we have hidden out of fear and shame for so long. And what is the result of working this program with rigorous honesty? Sobriety!

And when we begin to become sober from our addiction, the things that we used to feel compelled to lie about are no longer a part of our life. Honesty comes easier to us and we learn to be comfortable in our own skin around others.

See? It’s a reverse Catch-22! When we are honest, we become sober, and when we are sober, we are more honest. May you find yourself in this reverse Catch-22 today!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Identifying Our Triggers

May 7, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, counseling, forgiveness, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, pornography, recovery, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, support, triggers, Twelve StepsGreg

Identifying Our Triggers

One of the tasks that is generally a part of any recovery program is identifying people, institutions, and situations that often move us in the direction of acting out. As we recover and begin to recognize these triggers, we will be more equipped to prepare and respond to them without acting out. So, how do we identify triggers in our lives?

When describing Step 4 and Step 6, The Big Book of A.A. gives us some very useful suggestions that can help us identify triggers.

As part of our work in Step 4, we make a list of resentments and we make a list of fears. Resentments and fears seem to be universal triggers for all types of addiction. When we list these and talk through them with our sponsor, we begin to see some of our triggers more clearly.

Step 6 asks us to list our “defects of character” and become willing for God to remove them. As we write down our defects of character, we see things in ourselves that often lead to acting out. As we become more aware of resentments, fears, and defects of character, we can take action when they rear their ugly heads in our lives. Later in this post we’ll discuss some possible actions we can take.

Another very helpful tool that will help us identify our triggers is counseling. A professional counselor or therapist who specializes in working with addiction can be very good at listening to our stories and helping us see those things that have often led us to acting out. Awaken can refer you to many qualified therapists who can help with this (click for link). There are also intensive programs such as the Roots Retreat men’s and Roots Retreat women’s where a lot of work will be done to help identify triggers. I highly encourage anyone in recovery to get some sort of professional counseling.

Once we have identified our triggers, how do we deal with them without acting out? One terrific tool for helping with triggers is the Three Circles. This tool was developed by SAA and is outlined in their Green Book. The gist of the Three Circles is that we list our acting out behaviors in the inner circle of three concentric circles. In the middle circle, we list our triggers or any other behavior or situation that might move us toward acting out. In the outer circle, we list behaviors that help us in recovery – things we can do that uplift us physically, emotionally, or spiritually. To me, the middle circle is where our awareness should be when we are in recovery. When we find ourselves in a middle circle situation, that is the time to take action. We should call our sponsor, pray, or read some recovery literature (see the previous blog series on Daily CPR!). We can go to a meeting or find something in our outer circle to do. Taking positive action when we feel triggered is a critical part of recovery and something we must learn to do in order to stay healthy.

The Big Book also suggests in Step 10 that we take a daily inventory of ourselves. We are told to continually watch for “selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these come up, we ask God to at once remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.” That’s pretty clear, isn’t it? When we see our triggers come up, pray about it, talk to someone about it, make amends, then look for someone to help.

If you haven’t yet done the work to identify your triggers, I encourage you to do so as quickly as you can. Once you have the list, also make a plan for what to do when they come up. I hope that you find the suggestions in this post to be helpful to you today.

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Getting to the Roots

April 30, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, addiction, adultery, awaken, betrayal, brokenness, cheating, confession, connection, counseling, forgiveness, friendship, God's love, gospel, grace, Greg Oliver, healing, infidelity, intensive, pornography, recovery, restoration, Roots Retreat, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Getting to the Roots

This post is about The Roots Retreat, Awaken’s therapeutic intensive weekend for men seeking recovery from addictive or unwanted sexual behavior. Our next men’s Roots Retreat is scheduled for June 4-7, 2020.

We also offer a Roots Retreat for women who have been sexually betrayed by their husbands/male partners. We’ll offer a post on the women’s retreat at a later date.

In early January 2009, my years-long sexual addiction secret was exposed, and I began a life journey of recovery. If you have not read or heard my story, you can catch up on that HERE.

In those early days of recovery, I learned a lot of new terms, phrases, and concepts. Now that my secret was in the light and I was working with a therapist and a sponsor, I began to soak in everything I could that would help me move forward.

Something I heard a lot about was the concept of “branches and roots.” For all the years I’d been trying to defeat my addiction on my own, my effort was almost exclusively focused on stopping what I was doing. “Stop looking at porn.” “Stop compulsively masturbating.” “Stop hooking up.” And while, of course, it was good for me to want to stop doing all those things, I realized later that I was trying to kill a tree by sawing off its branches.

All of the unwanted behaviors I was doing weren’t my real problem. They were evidence of my deeper problem. Something in my life was broken, wounded, sick, traumatized, and instead of ignoring or hiding those things, I needed to discover what they were. If my acting out behavior was the branches of a tree, then all my hidden brokenness was its roots.

Once I was able to identify those “root” areas of brokenness, I could see the connection between them and my eventual behavior. This was super-important in learning how to acknowledge the many contributors to addiction, while still taking ownership and responsibility for my own behavior and choices.

One way to get to the roots…

There’s another thing I’ve learned in my years of recovery. When a person is really ready for change, it can be helpful to take an immersive approach. What do I mean by that? Well, while working one-on-one with a therapist over weeks and months is a critical part of recovery, there are additional ways to do this work. One way is through attending a recovery intensive.

An intensive is an uninterrupted retreat in which an attendee works with therapists, volunteers, and other people in recovery over a short, but intense period of time. Instead of doing your therapy work one hour at a time over several months, you work on it solidly for about four days. This concentrated approach really helps a lot of people connect dots more quickly. The atmosphere of quiet and retreat from everyday life (no phones, computers, etc.) helps people to connect with and stay in their emotions, getting a lot done. People who attend intensives go home feeling much more in tune with where they’ve been, where they are, and where they want to go; and if they’re working with a therapist they have a clearer idea of their continuing path forward.

Awaken offers a four-day intensive for men called The Roots Retreat. The weekend helps them better understand how their addiction formed, how to take healthy responsibility, how to begin healing from their own trauma, and how to more healthily approach their marriages & other relationships. Men who attend work with multiple therapists and staff. The work is spiritually and emotionally challenging & intense, but can also be incredibly fulfilling and healing.

Since 2016, over 110 men have attended a Roots Retreat weekend, and for many of them it was exactly the catalyst they needed to help recovery take hold in their lives.

The Roots Retreat for men is offered three times a year, typically in February, June, and October. If you have been looking for a way to get unstuck and to experience more progress in your recovery, the Roots Retreat could be a solution for you.

To find out more about the Roots Retreat, click HERE. There are assistance options available for attendees with financial difficulties.

Greg Oliver struggled for years with an addiction to sex & porn. Since 2009 he has been on a journey of recovery. He and his wife Stacey founded Awaken as a way to walk with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders, and to help them experience healing in the midst of sexual brokenness. Awaken offers weekly recovery meetings, including virtual ones. Email us for more info.

Step Four

April 20, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, forgiveness, God's love, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, restoration, self care, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Step Four, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Step Four

Step Four: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”

Steps 1 through 3 of the Twelve Steps are things that mostly happened in our heads and with our words. We “admitted we were powerless”, we “came to believe”, and we “made a decision”. These are critical tasks and it would be nearly impossible to recover from addiction without doing these on a daily basis. But there’s not a whole lot of action involved. Sure, we may have written out a first step or said the third step prayer, but to this point, we haven’t done much of anything. Step 4 is where that all changes. In fact, the beginning of this section of the Big Book says “next we launched out on a course of vigorous action…”. Now we’re talkin’!

What does a Step 4 look like?

I have seen two different forms for a Step 4. The first is a long document that follows the items outlined in the Big Book. The second is a worksheet; taking the same content and putting it in an easier-to-complete worksheet form. Either way is perfectly fine as long as it meets the criteria of “searching and fearless.” I believe this means we spend a lot of time thinking and writing. I believe it means we directly acknowledge the things that we have done and the motivations behind them. I believe it means we don’t sugarcoat our behavior. I believe it means we don’t intentionally leave anything out. Of course there will be things that are left out unintentionally, especially if we’ve been dealing with our addiction for many years. Even with a very deliberate and thorough process, very few of us can remember all of the details of our lives. The point is that we do our best, and if something comes to mind later that we missed earlier, we write it down.

What is in a Step 4?

At first glance, we might think that a Step 4 is simply all of the things that we did as part of our addiction. But there is a lot more to it than that. The Big Book talks about looking at our lives from several different angles and I believe these are critical to a complete inventory. I recommend to my sponsees and others in our fellowship to include the following sections in a written Step 4:

Resentments

Early in my recovery, I found talk of resentments surprising. I didn’t think my problem had anything to do with resentments – until I started writing them down. As I worked my 4th step I started to realize that I actually did harbor a lot of resentments. More often than not, they turned out to be the driving force behind my behavior. The Big Book says that “this business of resentment is infinitely grave…when harboring such feeling, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit…the insanity of [our addiction] returns…” After identifying these resentments in Step 4, the rest of the steps help us to learn how to watch out for resentments and to deal with them in healthier ways so that we can experience a life of serenity.

Behaviors

Just because we start our inventory with our resentments, this does not mean we blame others for our behavior. The Big Book goes on to say “putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened?” This is the part of our inventory where we list the things in our lives where we have hurt others with our selfishness and dishonesty. And this list should not be limited to just sexual acting out – most of us have hurt people in other ways as well. These items should also make the list. This is not a time to sugarcoat our actions either. We don’t need to qualify or put adjectives on the items on this list. In the words of Joe Friday, “Just the facts, ma’am!” Finally, because thinking through the ways we have hurt people can bring up many painful memories and emotions, it is important to remember that you are not the sum of your bad behavior. You have done a lot of good things in your life too. And these should go on the list as well. It is a complete inventory, after all.

Fears

I have heard it said that most of what we fear never comes to pass. Yet many of us spend a lot of time in worry and fear. While our resentments keep us tethered to the past, our fears tether us to uncertainty about the future. And serenity cannot be found in either the past or the future. Serenity is found by coming to terms with the present, in whatever form it takes. Listing our fears in Step 4 and learning to deal with them in the rest of the steps is a major component of having a successful recovery.

Final Thoughts on Step 4

It is often said that recovery is “simple, but not easy”. And while the outline above is fairly simple, there is nothing easy about it. Many people get hung up on Step 4 and never complete it because of the amount and the difficulty of the work involved. But if it is important to you to get healthy and the 12 Steps is the path you choose, it is worth the effort. Put lots of prayer and thought and effort into the lists described above. Set aside some time each day to work on this until it is finished. This is the beginning of a “vigorous course of action” that will bring us the spiritual awakening described in the Step 9 promises. We will be closer to God than ever before, we will be able to look our fellow man in the eye, and we will have peace and serenity we never knew was possible.

May you find spiritual health, emotional health, and physical health today my friends!

-A grateful member of the Awaken community

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Keeping Recovery Alive with “CPR,” part 3

April 8, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, brokenness, confession, connection, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, recovery, self care, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Stacey Oliver, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Keeping Recovery Alive with “CPR,” part 3

In our last two posts we began looking at three important daily recovery disciplines that anyone in recovery can implement. The first post was on making CALLS. The second was on PRAYER. Today we’ll talk about the third part of CPR: READING.

Of the three daily disciplines that make up CPR, this is one that most of us really need some work on. Most recovering people don’t read a lot of recovery material, at least not after the initial “honeymoon period” early in recovery. Early on, we tend to take in a lot of information, because we have hope for the first time that we could actually recover. Over time, though, our intensity drops off. But, it’s been said that reading recovery literature is like having a sponsor right with you all the time. That having been said, here is some recommended reading. It is by no means exhaustive, so keep looking because there’s a lot of good stuff out there.

The Big Book of AA – Our guest author references this all the time, and most of what he has learned in recovery has come from this book.
The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions – This book takes a deep dive into each of the Twelve Steps and also looks at how recovery groups can operate.
Daily Reflections (Alcoholics Anonymous) – this is a daily devotional for folks in recovery and there are some great thoughts in there.
SAA Green Book – Sex Addicts Anonymous has done a really good job of taking the 12 steps and applying them to our addiction.
Out of the Shadows (Patrick Carnes) – this is the classic research work on Sexual Addiction.
Daring Greatly (Brené Brown) – this is a fantastic book about the power of honesty and vulnerability.
Breathing Under Water (Richard Rohr) – Father Rohr’s take on the Twelve Steps is a fantastic look at this path to recovery.
Surfing For God (Michael John Cusick) – Cusick invites us to see what good desire we’re trying to fulfill when we settle for porn & sex to meet our needs.
Unwanted (Jay Stringer) – Through exhaustive research, Stringer shows how our stories and experiences can give us great insight into why we do what we do, and how we can experience change moving forward.
Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction (Mark Laaser) – Dr. Laaser was one of the pioneers in faith-based sexual addiction recovery.
No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction (Marnie C. Ferree & Mark Laaser) – Sexual addiction is not just a struggle for men. More and more women are trapped in unwanted sexual behavior; this book is a great resource for them.

These are just a few great reading resources. CLICK HERE for a longer list we recommend.

Remember, DAILY reading is a part of keeping recovery fresh and current. Find something that speaks to you and where you are. It doesn’t have to be chapters every day, and you don’t have to block off a lot of time. Just spending a little bit of time each day expanding your understanding of addiction & recovery will help you stay focused.

While there is no formula that guarantees long-term sobriety, there are definitely ways we can increase our chances of staying on the path. Calling, Praying, and Reading (CPR) is a fantastic set of daily disciplines that will help you!

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to join our virtual meetings, contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!

Keeping Recovery Alive with “CPR,” part 2

April 7, 2020Awaken Blog12 Steps, accountability, addiction, awaken, confession, connection, friendship, Greg Oliver, healing, pornography, prayer, recovery, self care, Serenity Prayer, sex addiction, sexual addiction, sobriety, sponsor, Stacey Oliver, support, Twelve StepsGreg

Keeping Recovery Alive with “CPR,” part 2

In our last post we began looking at three important daily recovery disciplines that anyone in recovery can implement. The first post was on making calls. You can read that post by clicking HERE.

[This is from our guest author.] The second part of the CPR acronym is “Pray.” Although there are many different ideas and methods regarding prayer, here are some specific suggestions that have been helpful to me throughout my recovery.

The Big Book of AA offers these thoughts on page 87 when describing step 11:

“On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives…As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.”

Another suggestion is to pray or meditate through steps 1, 2, and 3 each day. Acknowledge powerlessness, recognize your need for a higher power, and surrender your thoughts and actions as you try to “do the next right thing” today. These steps are not “one-time” events, but are disciplines that we should practice every day. Praying and meditating on these is a great way to do this.

Step 7 suggests that we ask God to remove our defects of character. It’s probably not practical to go through each character defect every day – I think my initial list had 23 character defects and I keep finding more! – but we can think about the top 2 or 3 defects that have been most prominent in the last 24 hours. We can also look at our day ahead and think about any situations that might cause these defects to surface.

Finally, if we’re not sure what to pray, we can simply recite the Serenity Prayer, the Lord’s Prayer, or another prayer that we find meaningful. When saying these prayers, take them slowly and meditate on each word or phrase. Doing this on a regular basis can help us to find new meaning in these old, tried-and-true prayers.

[This is from Greg.] I so appreciate the perspective on prayer you’ve just read from our guest author. I just want to add a couple short thoughts of my own.

For a Christian who struggles with addiction, that person usually also has a difficult time connecting with God through prayer for help with the struggle. There can be a number of reasons. Shame is a typical one. Rather than run to God for the forgiveness promised in the Bible, we hide from him (like Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden), ashamed and afraid of being exposed. But God knows what we’ve done and He invites us to come back to Him and receive His help.

Another reason prayer can be difficult is spiritual abuse. Many who grew up in the church were taught wrong messages about God (i.e. He’s angry, He’s looking for a reason to punish people when they do wrong) or were constantly subjected to hellfire & brimstone thinking. Why would someone who struggles with sexual sin want to pray to a God like that? We often want to clean ourselves up first, before coming into God’s presence; the problem is this doesn’t work.

Finally, pride can be a reason we don’t approach God in prayer. We want to fix it ourselves. We live life surrounded by messages of self-sufficiency. Here is where working the Twelve Steps really helps. If we understand and remember our powerlessness, our inability to bring change on our own, this will drive us to seek help from the One who really can help us.

In our next post, we’ll take a look at the third element of CPR: Read. Stay tuned!

Awaken is a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to join our virtual meetings, contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!