A very meaningful part of our conversation with Cathy Loerzel on What We Really Want was her take on the Bible’s command to “honor your father and mother.” For many, that verse has always felt heavy, like a rule that meant: “Don’t ever talk about your parents’ failures. Don’t ever complain. Don’t ever air family secrets.”
But Cathy suggested a new way of examining how we give honor — one that’s rooted in truth.
She talked about how children have a natural bent to protect their parents. If Mom or Dad is distracted, harsh, or emotionally unavailable, most kids won’t say, “That’s their failure as a parent.” Instead, they take the blame inward.
“Something must be wrong with me. I’m not lovable enough. I’m too much.”
That inward turn is how shame takes root. And if that shame isn’t named and allowed to heal, it follows us into adulthood. We keep replaying the script that started in childhood: “I should be quieter. I shouldn’t need so much. I should be different.”
Cathy stressed the need for both honor and honesty. She said, “Sure, your parents may have done their best. And they still failed you. And you will fail your kids. The point is, what are you going to do with it?”
That statement felt both sobering but also strangely hopeful. Sobering, because it names the truth often avoided: parents and other caregivers weren’t perfect. Hopeful, because once the truth is spoken, people can finally do something different as they process and heal from the wounds.
Honoring our parents, then, isn’t about pretending they never harmed us. It’s about telling the whole story—the good and the harm—without flinching. Not to shame them, but to acknowledge their humanity, and the ways their shortcomings did harm.
As we reflected with Cathy, we realized that God doesn’t ask us to ignore reality. God is not afraid of the truth. And for all who want to live in freedom, the truth is a necessary companion on the journey. When people tell the truth about their family of origin, it’s not only freeing, we it enables change and hope for a different story for future generations. No longer are the unspoken rules of silence and shame passed down the line. In their place is the gift of a family culture where compassion and honesty actually coexist. And that is giving true honor.
Listen to the full conversation with Cathy on What We Really Want to hear more about honesty in telling our stories, and how that helps us walk through suffering toward healing.
