I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been talking about something and have eventually said, “There’s this Nichole Nordeman song that says this SO much better than I could…”
Nichole Nordeman is a poet/songwriter with an unbelievable ability to connect with exactly what the heart is feeling. Her new EP The Unmaking was released today, and it’s so timely. Because what the title song talks about is exactly what so many couples are walking through in the destructive aftermath of sexual brokenness. Whether it’s exposure through the Ashley Madison leak or some other way, marriages are on the brink of dissolution, and both offenders and offended are hurting and unsure of what’s ahead.
Watch this lyric video of The Unmaking, and then read on. (info on where & how to purchase the song is found at bottom of post)
A song can’t fix what’s broken, but it can connect us and put words to what we’re feeling. Often that’s the first step toward discovering what to do next. Looking at some of the words of The Unmaking, I hope that if you’re in a vulnerable or painful place that they will encourage you to reach out and seek help in walking through it.
This is where the walls gave way
This is demolition day
All the debris, and all this dust
What is left of what once was
Sorting through what goes and what should stay
Whenever there is exposure, there is destruction. There was an idea of how things were, and that idea has been blown up. For the offender, often the walls were a construct of how we wanted others to think life was. For the one who was offended, the debris can represent the “perfect” life or marriage we thought (or wanted to think) we had. But something has happened, and those walls – and the illusions they represented – are gone.
Every stone I laid for You
As if You had asked me to
A monument to Holy things
Empty talk and circling
Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do
The construct of what we want our lives to look like is often built upon appearances, upon pretense. We go through life and attend worship wearing a mask of what we think a Christian is supposed to look like, all the while never letting anyone know about the things that are wrong or missing. After all the “empty talk,” and when the walls come down, we wonder where are all the friends we thought we had.
What happens now
When all I’ve made is torn down
What happens next
When all of You, is all that’s left
This is exactly where so many couples are right now. People who have struggled with secret sin have been running from God, believing Him to be distant and angry. People who have put all their confidence in how they look to other people don’t have that false security anymore. We’ve all lived as orphans. Now that it’s clear that we can’t take care of ourselves, where does that leave us?
This is the unmaking, the beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself to find out who You are
Before each beginning there must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
I can remember the immediate aftermath of my own exposure. There was definitely a sense of trauma, sitting in the crater/rubble that my sin had created. But at the same time, there was – for the first time I could ever remember – an enormous sense of hope. Hope that things could be different now that the secret was out. I really did have to “lose myself to find out” who God was. That destruction turned out to be one of the greatest gifts He ever gave. Stripping away every resource I thought I had, in order to leave me nothing to turn to except for Him.
I’ll gather the same stones where everything came crashing down
I’ll build You an altar there on the same ground
‘Cause what stood before was never Yours
The unmaking can be the start of something new, beautiful, redemptive, restorative, healing, hopeful, and joyful. It’s so hard to see the potential for that in the midst of the immediate pain, but it’s true. Stacey and I have walked through the pain of addiction & adultery, and God has walked with us through the valley of the shadow of death. He has brought each of us to a place of introducing us to our own idolatry, disbelief, and brokenness so that we could surrender them to Him and let Him heal and change us. He can and wants to use your situation to do the same thing for you.
If we can help, we’d love to. Contact Greg or Stacey and we can talk with you about what you’re walking through. We can help you get connected with people and resources that can help you in these first days of figuring out what’s next. As much as you want/need a plan, you also need people with whom you can connect. Let us help you with that.
The Unmaking, written by Nichole Nordeman. (c) 2015 Sparrow Records. Purchase the song HERE.
The Author: Greg Oliver
Greg Oliver was a worship pastor for 15 years before his secret addiction to pornography and sex was exposed in January of 2009. Since then he has been on a journey of recovery, coming to know God better and experiencing His grace like never before. He and his wife Stacey have experienced deep healing & restoration within their marriage, and through the ministry of Awaken they walk with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders to help them experience connection and healing in the midst of sexual brokenness.